It's exactly a year.....

Today is the anniversary of us being together, Dec. 22. I remember this same day from last year's. We went to the movies and watched " A night at the museum. It was really fun... it was our first date.
I can't believe a whole year has past. I have been wondering how would my life be if we stood together until today. Would we be lovely or spread apart? I may never know the answer to this question. I wanted to call him today and say... its exactly a whole year now, I want to know how you felt back then. I wanted to know this answer from the start, but I can never find it. Maybe one day the answer will peacefully fly to me. Maybe one day we can actually talk to together like we used to. Maybe... he can open up to me. Well, I always lose the courage to ask, and grows sad about it. I always cry..but I wonder why... It has already been a whole year, but I can't forget about him. I keep on thinking of the things we used to do and the places we went to. I just can't forget. I wish I can be like most girls. They have a lot of courage to forget about the past and go on in life. For some reason I can't do that. I feel horrible. I wish I can just go on and find another boyfriend. Maybe I still need some time. Maybe I'm just slow at these things. I saw him again at alfredo's sholarship ceremony. O yea! ALFREDO GOT THE POSSE!!! I'm so happy for him ^-^ I still couldn't talk to him like usually. It still bugs me. I wish I can feel like myself around him, but I can't. I still couldn't give him a goodbye hug. We actually don't talk much on aim or when I see him. Now I feel stupid. He probably forgot EVERYTHING about me, so why can't I do the same? why? I wish I may, I wish I might, just forget about the past and don't let sad memories bite.... me.

I miss him.... I really do

OK.. I CAN'T SLEEP FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS. I have been thinking of him over and over again. I am annoyed that I can't get him off my head. Yes... I do still like him. I missed him. Over the summer I have been always thinking of him. Gosh... when cna I ever get this over with?! I told myself many times that this can't go on before I go crazy. Those past memories have been haunting me all year long. I can't believe our anniversary is almost here. December 22. I can't believe I still remember that date. Its been almost a year and I can't get him off my head. My heart still aches. My head still hurtz. My tears still roll down my cheeks. For the past few nights, I have been crying so much in pain when I look back into those memories. It bothers me so much that I can't sleep. Even now typing at 3:30 am because I can't sleep. I am thnking of it so much more because I saw him other day. I wanted to tell him so many things, I wanted to embrace him, in his arms. But I didn't. I didn't even hug him when I saw him again. But I did see those happy eyes again when I first appeared. I wonder if he missed me too. I am glad he is still the same. I'm glad he is happy in college. I really want to talk to him. I want to ask why he made those decisions back then. I really want to know. I need to solve these problems before those memories come haunt me again. I need to do something in order to move on in life. I don't want to be stuck in this heartache situation. SOMEONE PLZ HELP ME!!!! >_x

Over the semester, he texted me sometimes on aim. He wanted to see me over the webcam. The truth is I really wanted to see him again too, but my webcam wasn't working and I was panicing on how to fix it. In the end, I still couldn't fix it.... I feel so bad.

COLLEGE

omg i dun really like college at all.... cuz classes are so weird. I really dun like the lectures...especially economics. I don't reaLLY learn much from that. Well in english class, I am doing really well. Math, I am doing okay. Economics, I am doing really bad. I really need an A on the final in order to pass. Umm... Biology is alright except for the 3rd exam... I really skrewed up on that.

In college, I met this really kool friend named Jin Xiu (Jenny). She is really kool, and I get along with her so fast. Actually this is the first time I think I got so close to in a short period of time. She is kinda like a mom to me in relationship wise. She taught me alot. Also on the bad side too hahaz. Well I remember going to her party once in October. It was really fun, but it was a drinking party. I didn't drink... it taste so nasty. All I did was play video games all night until 6ish in the morning. ahahz it was fun watching that thai guy get drunk and Jenny going tipsy. I play games until my thumb hurts. Then I had a long talk with her. Talking about that thai guy. He is pretty cute when I saw him, but only for that night I had a tiny crush on him. Since she knew I kinda liked that guy she made up excuses to get that guy to sleep next to us. I end up stuck in the middle. She said to share warmth cuz it was getting pretty cold out. She slept so quickly. But I got reALLY annoyed by the snoring sound of this other person in the room. so... I end up talking to that thai guy cuz we couldn't fall asleep. We talked about our hoobies, sports, relationships, and etc. I actually felt kinda comfortable with him. But I didn't really like the feeling of sleeping next to a guy. Hahaz... when I woke up I can see the position I was sleeping in. Me and him were like so spread apart ahahz. I pushed Jenny to the corner of the wall. I think we made like a yard of space in between me and that guy. It was a funny experience.

My Vacation..........

Man California is GREAT. It was so AWESOME!!! ^-^ I had so much fun during those 10 days. First I went to the beach in Los Angeles. It was so salty and has ginormous waves. I learned how to boogy board there with those crazy water waves and it was so much fun. I kept on tumbling and doing stunts in the water cuz the waves were so rough. The water kinda burned me cuz it was so SALTY. Then I to universal studio. I had so much fun there watching the terminater, shriek 4D, the mummy roller coaster ride, Jurassic Park water ride, the kool tram tour that showed me around the whole movie filming area with some crazy events, and the back in the future ride. Everything was so 3D or actually 4D. It was amazing!!! I actually took those 3D glasses with me for memory. Then I went to get a haircut there and it turned out pretty. It was the first time I went to a salon... my brother paid for me hehe.... Then I went to Los Vegas and it look so pretty there. I went there for like 3 days and two nights. It has so many famous Hotels and casinos. At night it looked so pretty. I went to watch the water show there that is provided by the Belogio Hotel and also the pirate show provided by the Treasure Island Casino. Man I took so many pictures there it was so fun!!!! I also went to live in the Rio Hotel for 2 nights and it was so kool. I have never been in a real suite before, an upgraded one too. With like jicuzzy and to bathrooms, a livingroom, and a dining room. IT was so nice there. Then from that little road trip to Los Vegas I went to the famous Canyons. Lucky David was there to guide us through all those events and trips to many places or else I wouldn't had a great time there within a 10 day trip. I went to see the top 2 Canyons that are the Bryce Canyon and the Zion Canyon. I took so many pictures and I also took so many pictures on the way there too. I love taking shots while im in the car... I can get so many kool angles its awesome. The Bryce Canyon was beautiful and I hiked up and down the mountains and took some rocks too hehhe. It was really fun and get to see a great over view of the whole Canyon. Zion was so pretty and it looked so kool even at night. I took so many sunset pictures too. David turned me into a mountain girl and I took over 1,000 pictures and 90 percent of it was mountains hahahz. When I came back from all those Canyons from California, Neveda, Utah, and Arizona I went back to the beach and had a great time there. I actually started a bond fire too but I didn't get a chance to grill or burn anything. I really wanted to make some tastey marshmallows but too bad... But at least I got some great shots of the sunset there. I'm a Pretty good photographer now thanks to David. Aww I miss him too. Hopefully one day I get to see him again. I also wanted to see the piture of the model he wanted to introduce to me too. AWWW I MISS CALIFORNIA SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! The mountains there are so amazing. And I really MISS MY VACATION!!!!!!!! It was too damn short........ -.-

its summer.....

Well I have been so lazy lately. I haven't been doing much but bike to the tennis court and play, beach, hangout with some friends, and spending money. It is fun in some ways but it can get really boring once it repeats itself over for five thousand times. I want a job actually before i go to california but i can't get one until I return from California. It would be mean if I just had the job and take two weeks off. I can wait until I can go to California for ten days!! Can't wait, can't wait!!! It's going to be FUN AND PARTY!!! YES! ^-^

Love life.... well nothing to it. I am breaking free from my old one. I have to cut off that dumb nice image I have and just be myself. If I want to be mad, then I will be mad. If i want to be selfish, I will be selfish. It is okay to put myself before anything. That's what Charisse told me and she is so correct. She persuaded me to think that way and I am very proud of having her as my friend. I kind of admire her because she can stand strongly when there are hardships. I feel very stupid forcing myself trying to be nice to him. Well I am very tired now and i finally deleted all his pictures, aim screen name, and all of his text. I have been keeping all of those old pics on my cell phone and kept all of his text he has sent me, but its all over now. The past is the past and it is time to let go of it. I just have to be happy and go on in life. My eyes are always open now and I am very excited to go on to the next relationship. I am very anxious to know who it will be. Hmmm... I wonder. I really didn't experience anything with the first..only sadness, but I am looking forward for a great one next!! Can't wait, can't wait!!!

i dunno anymore......

For some reason I think I still like him. I want to ask him so badly man.... Alex the other day was talking about it with me and he kept on asking me "Do you still like him?" i answer "I don't want to tell you." Alex actually called him during class. At first I thought he was just playing around pretending he was calling him, but then he really did. He asked him and he said he doesn't know. It was so upsetting, even up to now he still doesn't know. I miss him very much and I tried so hard to let go of him in my mind.....but I still do like him. I really really want to ask him. I want to ask him if he still likes me. I want an answer and if its a "no" maybe I can really let go. It feels like it was something unfinished because it ended without a reason. He never told me a reason. I just dunno now. Now it's kinda bugging me a lot. I need to solve this problem.

it's time to move on......

Well... no more tears, no more pain, thats just the way I wanna feel. It's time to let go and time and move on... I really need to accept it. So it can make me feel better. After talking to Doctor Towie, I guess he made it clear to me... to move on and live my life. I feel a lot better after talking to him. He is starting to talk to me now and I guess it is a good start. From now on I am not going to care about him. I will truely let go and move on. I have to be strong, resilent, and brave. I will talk to him but it will take awhile.... I feel so happy now. ^-^ I'm not even sure what to say..lolz. SO that dream i had about kissing him... meant good-bye to the jj I use to like. Now it is a different person, a person that I'm not sure who is inside. Well i guess thats the way it is. I will accept it!! Be happy!

Try to live a happy life ^-^

As the days pass by, I start to think my pain is fading away. I am allowing my body to do its job: healing itself. I am slowly recovering from the pain he scared me with. Well, now I am just trying to be a loving friend. I will try to talk to him sometimes and chat with him online. I will try to hangout more with my friends and live that happy life I use to have when I was a junior. Just remembering all the fun times I had with jj, towie, sherry, urooj, maryam, alfredo, joe, and everyone else, that just brings me happiness. I am trying hard to be a happy person and just do whatever I can to make myself happy. After I attended to my friend Charlotte's art award ceremony, I realized that I can be a happy person. To laugh, to joke around, taking silly pictures, I am slowly receiving what I had lost for six months. Now I am trying to laugh more and be my old self again. I feel a lot better now and I AM having fun. School is almost over and I am carrying around my camera to capture all the happy moments I had with my friends, as if I will never own those memories again. I want to play tennis, watch movies, relax myself, hangout with friends, and travel around. I am going to cherish all the time I have left here and cherish the small amount of days I can still see him. I am just trying to be a nice friend and care about him like how I use to , even before I liked him. I'm getting better at tennis now. I was so horrible at first cuz I stopped playing for so long. I want to go to prom , but no one wants to go. I don't want to go alone and its my last year in high school. T_T Well the worst is I'll go by myself, but it's okay I WILL still go for sure. O yea... I'm almost sure I will go to UIC for college but I'm still waiting on Depaul's estimate. Well UIC seems to be a good school do yea its ok I think I will like it there. ^-^ I think the next relationship I will go though is when I am 20 something cuz I don't want to get hurt again. Maybe one day I can fully let go of this scar. It will heal, but i am still waiting for that moment where it will hit me and feelings that would tell me that I am stupid for thinking that he would still care for me. He doesn't anymore. I ended it because he didn't want to cooperate with me but I truely don't regret it. I really enjoyed those memories I had with him. The air and water show, the mall, the walk we had in the rain, the dinner we had together, the necklace he gave me, the dance we had, the chats we had on aim, the calls he gave me, the feelings of happiness he provided, and all the time we had spent together. Although this was a sad experience, I learned a lot from it. I don't regret being with him because I really thought I loved him, but thats why its so hard to recover from it. It's so hard to heal from it because I still have those feelings inside and it's really painful. I will miss him once he leaves but maybe that will be the true start of healing myself from him and letting go of him. I'll be patient!!

So it ended... will it come back?

I finally told him.. and we broke up. After all that pain, I finally let go, but that is only in the surface but not inside. Although we broke up, My heart can't stop thinking of him and the only thoughts that can cheer me up is the happy moments we scared from the past. I still like him. I still care for him...but its not enough that we both still feel the same way. It takes much more then that to work out things. He just doesn't seem like he has the motivation to go on with me. I guess it is good to seperate for a period of time. Maybe things will get better and we can talk to each a little more each day. Maybe there is still hope between us. But I'm not sure. I know he is eyeing on me sometimes and I do that, too. I've been trying to act and pretend to be happy infront of people, but I'm kinda tried of pretending. I know I'm sad and hurt inside but I don't want him to see that and I don't want my friends to worry about me. Maybe after awhile things may get better. I want to be close to him and feel comfortable around him like before, but there is always this awkward moment between us. We keep a curtain distance away from each other and barely talk. At least we are starting to talk a little. But yes, he is stubborn and so am I. Maybe one day we will have the courage to make things better and be ready for this. I heard he was sad about it. But when I told him that we can bgo back to being friends he was okay with it. I guess he never really cared and he did expect it anyway. He stood there and didn't do anything. its just like playing chess. If you don't make a move then how is this game going to continue! when the other player is making all the move and trying to keep this game going standing there is not going to do any good! I really tried... I did... but my effort is not enough. It takes two to tangle. Not one but two. I cried so much this senior year. He just doesn't know how much pain and sadness he brought me. He doesn't know how much I liked him and how much I really wanted to be with him. He hurted feelings deeply and influenced my life. I was never like this throughout my life. I never cried so much for one reason and let pain and doubts surpass my heart. But I will not allow it anymore. I want to be happy and cheerful like I use to be. This was so sudden too... It was like one day he was holding me so closely and the next day we were apart. It's so fragile and weak.... I need to develop a strong bond and be happy with this person. Yesterday was supposely our third month together but.....no comment.

what's going on?

I'm confused.... What does he want? He ignores me now and so I did the same. I don't understand why he is mad at me for. I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Instead he is getting me sad again. Its been like this for about one week and a half and I'm tired of it. Were always so queit, not a word we would speak to each other about. I think the only time we talked was like on thursday when we were playing tennis. I know he is ignoring me but for some reason I still think he cares. I can feel that he was peeking on me while I was playing tennis. He stayed at the tennis court for a long time. It almost felt like he wanted to stay with me until I had to leave. He was sitting on the bench while I was rallying around with alfredo and alex. I can see his eyes peeking at me glancing very quickly. I think he is just avoiding it. -.- We did talk about it, but I was so pissed at him. All he responded me was "I dunno" and "yes". I asked him do u still like me? do u still want to be with me? he replied "yes" but his actions are really not proving what he was saying. He didn't seem like he cared at all. His reaction when he said it was so stupid. It was almost like he was playing around with me all along. Toying with my feelings like nothign really mattered to him. At that moment I felt stupid for e-mailing him, trying to talk to him in order to fix the problem. I felt dumb because I tried so hard and he still didn't show me effort. I really wanted to fix the preoblem and stay with him but it seems like he has no intentions in doing that. The look on his face made me so mad. He didn't show any emotions like he didn't even listen to what I was saying. The whole "talk" was meaningless. Seriously, we still couldn't corroporate and give an exact answer because he doesn't want to fix it or have the motivation to continue this relationship. He was like "I dunno, I dunno". I was so angry and I was depressed for a week. Even on the fieldtrip he was avoiding me and sitting far away from me as if I was invisible. That fieldtrip day was horrible. I had a very bad stomache and it hurt so badly I could no longer walk. But of course he didn't care at all, while all my other friends were asking me if I was okay. He totally isolated me from the whole asian group, keeping them away from me. He didn't even treat me as a friend. I didn't really realize his terrible manners until ms. Maclean told me about it. Even she said it was disrespectful. Ms. Maclean talked with me to discussesd the problem between us. We talked about how to fix it or forget about it. She was trying to help me get back my self-esteem he totally shattered. She told me if I am always depressed about it, nothing will change, instead I will be hurting my self more and more deeply. Because of Philosophy club, I finally realized that nothing can get me sad or depressed if I allow it to get to me. I can control my feelings even though sometimes it is uncontrollable. I won't get sad about it anymore and from that day on, my mind opened up and my thoughts were clear. I am a HAPPY and JOYFUL person again. ^-^ I will not allow it to bother me. I would always say "I am a fantastic person" and I will keep the beautiful mood in me. So then on I tried to always keep a pretty smile on face and not let anything bring me down. It did work and maryam even said I look much happier. A good sign and a new start. I mean I do still like him very much but I will not let him make me sad again. If he doesn't care why should I? Thinking in the bright side, I can feel that he is doing this for a reason like there is something conflicting him. Maybe he has to get through with something in order to be free or be with me. Maybe thats why he doesn't have time. When I started thinking at that point of view, I realized something. He told me before that he need to fix a problem and he was confilicting his time with CSC so thats why he needed to quit. Well I'm not sure about this but I can feel it. Or maybe he feels that he doesn't want to start anything with me because he knows he is leaving for college. But the thing is, I can't solve why did he start with me in the first place if he is not willing to be committed. Maybe one day he will tell me why but for now I'm still going to ignore him. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk to me. O yea... Lexi made me tell her about the thing going on between me and him and so she bugged me to death and I finally told her the whole story. I'm telling some of my friends this because I need to check with ppplz if I was thinking at the wrong point of view or to check if I was going crazy or something. This is too new to me and I've never been through this before, so I don't know how to react to this situation. She told me that she asked him about and he told her that he thinks I'm too good for him. I was like wth???? How can he think that way and beside he never tells me anything. He's making it seem like he needs to hide everything from me and have a mysterious background. Well for now I'll just be patient until he is READY for a realtionship and has the courage to tell me things. If the feeling withers away that means he's not the right one for me. So when time comes I will eventually know. But in my mind it only flows the flashbacks of those special memories we had together. It is very hard to let go and to erase those thoughts of him. I'm always waiting for my phone to ring or for him to sign on aim or even see him at the tennis court or club meetings. Hmmm when will the sky shine with the bright sun again? Will I ever see that day come? or will I continue seeing the rain drops falling through my cheeks? O yea today is my chinese birthday!!! I'm officially 18 on the chinese calendar!! ^-^

will we break up?

Couples breaking up are normal and casual now a days. But I'm serious about it. I'm mad at him. There he goes retracing those melancholy steps he took before. I think the first time I talked to him about it, I guess I didn't make it clear enough. It was getting better after valentines. He gave me the attention I needed and I was very happy. He gave me a necklace and a Frango box of chocolate. I never really thought that he would get me something. I was very happy that he was willing to go eat lunch/dinner with me. We took pictures on my cell phone. But he didn't let me until I signed the contract. He kept on lowering his head to avoid the camera. I gave my very first kiss on the cheek to him. So he finally let me take pictures of him. Lolz I'm sure that was what he was looking forward to after he surprised me with that necklace. I can feel that he was leaning more towards me leaving his cheeks closer to me. Hahaz I can see that he was stretching he face to me so that I can kiss him. He put the necklace on me and from then on I never took it off. Not until this once when I was performing for hip hop, Amethyest made me take it off cuz it wasn't part the costume. I was sad though I was like can I keep it on PLzzzzz but eventually she said no.. I begged and begged but I was forced to take it off. *sigh*. But I was happy we actually spent some quality time with each other. I was very happy that night. My brother brought me and my sister to this theater far away and it was such a cool place. It is a theater where u can eat and watch a movie. It was fun and the place was beautiful and ancient looking. Okay, back to the sad part. Today he ignored me and I ignored him too. We both don't want to speak to each other and that's not going to solve anything. I want to talk to him tomorrow and try to fix or end this but I'll wait until next Friday. He didn't come to my birthday party. I was so sad throughout the whole party. I tried to look like i was happy, but knowing that he is not there makes me sad. Later I asked him why, he said something about his father getting mad at him and that he needed to fix his wall or something. I'm mad because he didn't cared to make this up to me like going somewhere and celebrate it alone or to do something together. He just didn't care. AS of our relationship today, I expect more from him than just saying happy birthday. If its that hard to take some minutes of his life to actually call me or hangout with me or even chat with me on aim, then how is this going to work out? I'm always here waiting for him. I'll always make time for him, but does he do the same? .... NO. I like him so much but he isn't returning the same respect I have for him. I told him that I'm very tired and that I dunno how to deal with him anymore. I give up.... but in a way I dun want to let go. I'm so stubborn I hate it. I know he is tried of always dealing with my temper. I get mad at myself because I am mad at him. Complicated really. I really wish he can think in my perspective and care for my feelings before he does something. I'm slowly condemned in sorrow. He just doesn't get it does he? As a girl, I really need attention. I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to feel lonely. Am I really asking for too much??? I just want to spend time with him. That's all I want. Looking back at the times I had with him, I realized that we didn't really do anything. All we did was maybe go to the movies once and go out and eat sometimes, but what else did we do. (alone?) I know he is a very busy person but is it really that hard to sacrifice some time for me? is it? If he can't give me some simple attention I dunno what else to say. Because if this continues I'm going to become a sad and depressed person I don't want to be. I'm trying to relax myself... I really want to. I'm very tired and I don't know really how to deal with him anymore. The things I think are special to me isn't special to him. Like the time he said he liked me, the day we went to watch a movie together, the official day we were together. Those are all important to me and I remember them clearly, but as for him he doesn't remember those things. I'm starting to ask myself if we were actually together as gf and bf. Were we really? I don't feel a difference. It's not like we talk more or hangout more or anything. Were just both in our own worlds doing what ever. If he can't verbally express the feelings can't he do something to make me realize he still likes me or still wants to be with me?
Sometimes he makes me feel that I'm not worthy enough for him to so something for me. Is it shameful to have me as his gf? It sure feels that way. No one really knows that were going out because he doesn't admit it and he doesn't tell anyone. Well that makes me feel bad because that means that I'm not worthy to be one. =/

I blew up!

I couldn't take it anymore. So then i exploded. I didn't talk to him for the past two days. I ignored him finally. Telling him won't help unless he feels it himself. Thats y im doing this to him. I need him to know how I feel so he won't do that again. He called plenty of times and I can feel that he's worried. He's finally caring at least for this moment. I told myself I will ignore him for two days but it is kind of hard especially when he kept on leaving me voice mails. In Dance class it was so hard to avoid him. But knowing that he still doesn't know whats wrong, angers me so much. But yea.. he's getting there and he will eventually find the answer. I will talk to him about it tomrw and hopefully things would turn out ok. He kept on saying sorry and he wants to talk about it and figure things out. But I'm still unsure if hes the one for me becuz he was all worried yesterday but today he didn't call at all. So maybe he has already given up on me. Only one day of ignoring him and he lose patience? How does he think of this feeling that I'm going through for months. N only 1 or 2 days for him. If he does lose interest then fine. I guess he won't be the right one for me. I want him to show effort that he cares and saying things over the internet or phone calls are unrealistic. Sometimes things have to be said verbally face to face. It's really meaningless if I can't c how his reactions are or how he express himself. That way I can learn to face situations that bothers him or makes him discomfort. N that way he can learn how serious things are and he should stop playing around. I'm not that mad anymore actually. A gurl can forgive very easily but won't forget. I need him to cherish me and care for me. THATS all I want. Hmm..... I wonder what's flowing in his mind now?

MARYAM!!!!!!

Today I feel so happy for Maryam. She has earned what she really deserved and I'm proud of her. She would always say "all these years of hard work will juz vanish when I enter college". But she was wrong and shes got a "FULL RIDE" scholarship for any college she wants to go to. Horray!!! The look on her face today was hilarious. She was in shocked for the rest of physics class. Hahahz... that time in statistics class, I can picture her future. A successful future. I saw her as a doctor helping her patients dressed so professionally and kind-hearted. It's AWESOME! I was never that happy for any one before. Its like something she never would of exspected. I know her bf and her family would be very proud of her. Now she has no worries for college tuition anymore. ^-^

I tried to help Misen get in the dance crew. She's been avoiding it since sophomore year and it's time for her to face it. The president is horrible. All she does is care for her self. A very bossy and self-centered person. How can she juz say "oh we already have enough people to dance we don't need her anymore" That is such an ass hole man. Misen been helping this stupid club for all 4 years, giving effort and helping the club which is being treated badly about. DUMB! I draged her to face it , to finally complain to ms. wong. It's time to stop avoiding the problem and fight it like WAR. Like how I use to cope with this club last year. I fought and fought , using all my effort to help create the dance and gathering all the dancers together. It paid up though. I won the battle. So it's time for another battle. I will help her and push her to go through this and earn what she deserves. I hope I can help her because she is being mistreated. No matter what I got her back. No worries... If it doesn't work out I would quit it then. If it's that hard to work with this person now even before we start making the routine, then it would be even harder to work with her afterwards. I would rather take this year off and actually have fun during ethnic fest instead of rushing myself to perform for peoples to see. Maybe this time I would finally get to have fun joining those activities with Maryam. She got mad at me during freshmen year because I didn't go to the clubs she wanted to go to. That i promised her I would go with her next year, but I always go perform and leave her. Now I feel bad for doing that. >.<

It's gone...will it ever come back?

The warmness is gone. Coldness has taken over already. I feel no warmth. I feel no care. Those warm hugs he use to give me has left me. The feelings are gone. I still don't see any effort. I still don't see any care. There's still no connection. I feel that I'm the least important to him. Like I'm the last to worry about on his check list. Maybe its time to leave it. If I tried, if I waited and nothing changes it's time to let it go. The thoughts of tears is flowing threw my mind again. Like how it use to be. I've been holding it for a long time. After that wednesday, I promised myself that i would never cry for those things again, that I would juz play along and cope with it. But yea I did try my best to not let it out. N I broke that promise. My first bf is describe as tears, tears, tears, unwanted, not respected, and not worth it. Thats how I feel. All he brings me is sadness. Maybe it was wrong to start. Those feelings I don't want to experience again. It's crap and I don't like it. He doesn't even make some time for me.. .. I guess it won't work out then. It been like this for months. I feel sleepy... I should a nice long rest without any worries.

well determined........

I've been suffering from hair lost ever since winter vacation. At first I really thought it was because I straightened my hair too much and weakened my hair nutrients.. but until Erika said I am probably under stress I finally knew why. I was't even stressing through school problems but the other things.. my personal life. Some times it bugs me so much that i can't even sleep. I can't stop thinking of him... of why is he so unclear, why does he do that, why is he so careless. I am very tired of guessing and doubting him.... and so I've decided to talk to him seriously. I need to make it clear to myself of what are his intentions and where is this relationship going. The only way I can free myself is to ask him verbally. To make it realistic. I want to know if he is serious and if he is planning to continue this relationship after he leaves to college. I really need to know before I step any deeper. If he makes it clear to me I can finally open up to him and be close to him. But yes I am afraid to tell him because I don't want him to look at me in a different way or to leave me. But this talk will determine it all and I can finally know the answer. So to all wishes I hope it will turn out well and that he would also open up to me and tell me how he feels. Hopefully I won't chicken out...lolz.. I call myslelf a weakling!

O yea! Today is my first month anniversary with him 1/22/07. I actually got kind of mad at him because he forgot about it. Well he claims that he didn't forget, but he obviously he didn't show me that he cared or knew about it. But I'm okay with it now. The sad thing is that our fisrt month is marked on final exam day, which really suks and also he has his posse thing every monday so I didn't have time to be with him. It was suppose to be a memorable day but it turned out to be a every day routine thing. Well too bad... Hopefully we can do something to make up for it. ^-^

jealousy.....

I'm so easy to get pissed off or to get jealous of other pplz all the time. Like today when I c ien always hugging him out of no where, I get jealous. She's too open around him and I don't like it. Shes like too touchy with him and they're too close. I mean its not a bad thing that he hangsout with other friends but what i'm asking for is to give me some respect and keep a certain distance with his other gurl pals... Once ien made a profile on aim saying that she will really miss him and that she doesn't noe what to do without him, I got jealous. I got so pissed off man...How would he like it if I hug and be flirty with other guys? Thats how I FEEL. N then he always talks about his other gurl pals around me.. its kinda irritating to hear those stuff. I don't want to hear it. Then I said stupid things to him today.. what the hell am I doing? I'm juz being whinny rite now and its so freakin annoying. I'm jealous becuz I care. These things bother me so much I can't even concentrate on my hws anymore..... help me plz... free my mind somehow!

We really didn't get to hangout much this week becuz finals are comming up and we got to study. I miss the times when we hold hands... I want to feel welcomed and wanted , not lonesomeness. As time passes by our first month being together is on monday. It past by so fast and I dun really think the first two weeks count becuz we really didn't c each other or hangout. Isn't it suppose to be special to be together for a month already? But I doubt he remembers anyways.. he looks careless to me. And maybe he did forget and maybe he doesn't care. By the way finals are on monday which means that we don't get to hangout with each other. Maybe monday wasn't suppose to special after all. I'm sure were not going to do anything that day either. I have to be patient! Lets c what happens on monday....

What I want...... Ü

Hmmmm... what is there to talk about today? I really didn't have much time to publish the current events happening to me these days. I was too busy.. -.- But today I'm pretty happy. I got accepted to UIC, DePaul, and North Park. I accomplished something at least. I'm thinking of UIC but I'm also waiting for other colleges to reply to me.

Now guy stuff... I really didn't hear from him telling pplz I'm his gf. Like the other day Kristian asked us if we were, but he juz played around with the question instead of answering it. I mean am I not good enough to be his gf? Is it shameful to him??? Gosh... i'm tired of it and I dunno y I'm always so quiet around him too. We walked the other day and all we did was walk and talk. I didn't say much so quiet and stuff. I hate when I do that. Also, he is beginning to kiss me on the cheek. ^-^ I was shocked the first time he did that and it was weird. I was like did he juz kiss me? I noe I felt something.. hahahz. I was confused whether or not if he did do that. The second time he kissed me on the cheek was yesterday when we walked together for like an hour and a half. This time I was sure he did it. He has to show me that I'm different than the other friends he hangs out with. I mean we hold hands and stuff but is there anything else he did to me to make me feel special?? I dun really ask for him to be with me 24/7 but to spend time with each other once in a while, to receive sudden phone calls form him , or for him to surprise me sometimes. I really want to understand him better. Like what kind of person he is and what he likes to do. But hes not really expressing himself to me. Hes not opening up to me yet and if he doesn't then I can't do the same because I dun wanna scare him away or something. I want him to care for me and to cherish me not like Oh I c her today so whatzup? He doesn't plan to do anything or go anywhere. He needs to show me some effort. I guess I'm not as important to him. I joined choir to c him a little bit more everyday. But my throat hurts if the notes are too low and deep. It kind of pushes the core down and it stresses the muscles in there. I can sing high notes which is good, hehe. I find it boring... I dun really feel a difference when we were friends and now as gf and bf. I got the name but I dun really c him admit that to anyone or maybe he did once but speaking it in his language. I hate when he does that! Its like hes abandoning me from the subject not letting me noe what the hell he is saying and he does that a lot too. You noe what, when ever pplz come ask me if we are together then I'm juz going to say "go ask him, he can answer that". Its like he doesn't want pplz to noe. Well then fine. Every time when he talks to me about the things between us... its always on aim. Its not really realistic enough though. I mean there is a gap there. Speaking to a person on aim and speaking to them in person is a HUGE difference. I can't c how he reacts to me or hear his voice or the expression he makes. Theres no connection seriously. N now we really dun have much to talk about. I'm tired of coming up with subjects all the time on the phone. It's like hes bored and I am too. I kept on switching from topic to topic but he doesn't really respond to them. I'm tired... Then when we walked I'm so quiet. I exspect a lot, which is bad. I really have to stop that cuz i noe hes not going to do those things. >.< !!! I feel crappy.