My second kiss experience...

HELP ME!!! I really don't know what i am doing.. I just made out with him again for the longest time. This time was more extreme, but at least i tried to control it. I stopped him several times. The way this is progressing is not good at all. I don't want an uncleared relationship like this. It started off wrong and its bugging me like crazy. It got to the rubbing part...and that was not good. It progressed too FAST. >_x I don't even know why I am doing this to a person that isn't even my boyfriend yet. I also know that it is a slim chance he would ask me out anyways. Doesn't seem like he likes me that much. It was mostly physical attractions. That was our bond. But I really don't want that. I want someone to accept who I am and I want someone that would like me and care about me without any of those crazy things. Kissing is fine but all of the rest isn't. All the touching and stuff makes me feel like I'm a slut. That I shouldn't be doing these things. It doesn't seem like were are in the same world. It's more like he is playing around with me. I won't let this hurt me. I have to protect myself from getting hurt. If he doesn't make a move then I guess I will pretend it never happened. I don't want a boyfriend just because he feels obligated to date me just because he made out with me. He is too open and experienced for me. That is what bugs me. I know he is controlling himself but he is also being selfish because he is letting himself loose and doing that things he feel like doing without considering my feelings. He doesn't know how I feel. He may seem like he is understanding but he is impatient and loosing control is what he is good at. He did all those with out my permission thinking that it was okay to let himself so those things. To be honest I really enjoyed it but I know it is not a good thing. I liked his forceful kissed and touches. He gave me the fantasies from the mangas I read. It was a good and crazy experience. The kisses he taught me the touches he showed me are always running in my head. In another way I really wished that he was more caring. More caring about his life. He doesn't really care about his grades and I am helping him by pushing me to do his homework. I really wish I can change him in a positive way. On the other hand, I don't think I am strong enough to do that. He really did get me turned on, but he is too open for me. I don't know if I can ever be the same pace as he is. He seems flustered that he has to slow down for me. But anyways we aren't dating yet. He never truly said he liked me and asked me out so why are we doing these things? I really want to ask him straight out are we dating. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like he wants to. I don't know. But as I said before I am only starting out laid back relationships. I don't want to be serious unless I feel that I really like or love this guy. Obviously he seems to be enjoying himself so I don't know if he is the serious type. I guess I'll just leave it some time and see what happens. I don't want to think about it that much or else I will go crazy.

A thief who stole my first kiss....

I remember the day when it happened. 9/26/08 I was at my friend's house to play video games and so it happened. I was biting his ears and we were fighting happily and then it appeared... it was dark and all i can see was a slight glimpse of his dark round eyes. All of a sudden i felt something touching my lips and then all of a sudden I felt something smooth and slippery touching my tongue! After a couple of seconds, I finally knew he stole my first kiss. I told him you just stole something of mine. Then he said are u going to call the cops on me? hahaz. I was biting his lips and he was biting onto mines. I love that feeling lmao. He told me his was bleeding oopzzz. Then I guess the kisses continued for a LONG time. But I was scared because he only kisses my lips he kissed everywhere on my body!! From lips to the neck and from the neck to my stomach. Omg... I was shocked cuz he was going to fast. Then we rolled around the bed.. crazily.. I asked him to teach me how to kiss appropriately and so he showed me slowly. He said he liked me on top. so i was! i could feel his gentle hands slowly approaching my legs and to my butt. He was feeling on me everywhere! Then I can feel his legs opening my legs further and further apart.. and the crazy thing is he as touching my sweet spot! I got even more shocked! His gentle fingers slowly groping onto my body and his kisses on my neck. It felt nice and I felt like I was dreaming. He told me he was in heaven ahahz. Towards the end, i kissed him pretty well hahaz. I could feel and hear his moan when i kissed him softly and I know he liked it lolz. He told me I surprised him. But I was afraid the way we progressed. It started too quick and it jumped from first base to third base. At a thought I thought he was going to give me oral sex when he kissed my body further and further downwards! I was scared because I thought he was going more extreme. At the beginning I was too shocked and surprised to enjoy it...but I enjoyed a lot towards the end. I told him the truth about how I felt that later night. He told me he was happy I could openly tell him my feelings. He said he was sorry and that he was caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. I was glad too... for some reason this guy gave me the feeling that I could openly tell him the truth and tell him all my feelings straight out. Am I that comfortable with him? I can joke around with him and I could tell him everything. I guess I'm starting to like him more and more. And to tell the truth, I can't stop thinking about what happened. It was like a wild dream. A dream that I had never dreamt before. This was the first time my body was scared with a man's scent. But for some reason I feel guilty and dirty. It was like I just sinned. If we didn't even started going out yet and things are moving this fast already, I am afraid things may go even further the longer we are together. I guess he is the first guy I can feel so comfortable with to talk to and to share my inner feelings. Are you really the special one who can mark a rainbow on my white pure sheet of paper? Or are you the one that will contaminate my pureness?

I'm still thinking....

For some reason I still dunno if I should like him or not. Usually when I like someone I'm sure of it and I will continue to like that person for a long time. Moreover, it's like a long crush cause thats how I express myself. But, I just don't know if I should or should not like this guy. We seem different. I'm just scared he doesn't fit my conservativeness and my type of relationships. I mean, he did date a lot of other girls. I'm quite sure they were more open than I am. I'm still just a newbie, so I think he is too experienced for me. Well, I do notice that I think of him more lately and that I do laugh all the time when I think about it. He kinda of brings me happiness and laughter and I do feel comfortable around him. I just don't think I will have enough time for these things. I am so poor at time management, I need to work on it. I have lots of homework and lab reports to turn in. My exams are piling up on me. I'm sure I can make time for him but I just don't know if he will fit me. And so ... I'm confused. Once again.. We went to the movies the other day and it was fun. I think the funniest part was that I freaked him out when he came out of the bathroom. Lmao, it was so funny I couldn't stop laughing. My stomach hurt so much cause of laughter. I think he is the first one I can be so comfortable with to joke around and hit each other. I make fun of him a lot. I'm like mean to him in a jokey way and thats kind of new. I never really been like that. I feel more happy and funny. And also shy. But its all good. I don't want to expect anything or think of anything.

Hmm some weird feeling...is it a crush?

Well. There is this guy who is my friend since freshmen year and its getting kinda warm lolz. I think I'm starting to like him a little. But, I'm scared to be too attached to him. Always a border line to protect myself. I'm always like that. But, I do feel really comfortable with him. What I love to do is bite his ear or just be mean to him. Hahaz. I remember that time when I slept over at jenny's place we slept in a room together. We were watching Rush hour 1 and then it was getting late so we decided to sleep. But, all of a sudden, we decided to play fight hahaz it was fun. Then we were like rolling around the whole room tackling each other. He was super close to me though. I think that was the first time a guy was ever that close to me and my neck!! I still can feel his breath on my neck lmao. But yea. It was a friendly fight and it was really fun. I guess he misses that feeling too. After that I wanted to bite his ears again but everytime I attempt, I kinda chicken out. >_x My best friend Maryam told me that omg that is horrible to sleep next to a guy and do those things. I guess I was too open.. Shouldn't do that. She got mad at me for a second because I'm so innocent she was afraid I might get hurt or in danger. She was just worried. But anyways I'm still thinking about it because I'm not sure if I should like him. He is very different from me and his open level is different too. He is more ghetto, and he is lazy, but the good thing is that he is very nice and he is starting to not dress like a black dude. Hahahaz. He's also very funny. He doesn't look Chinese but he is one lmao. Were going to watch a movie tomrw. I don't know if I shouldn't consider it special or a date of some sort but I hope we can both have fun tomrw. I don't really want to take relationships that seriously at first. I don't want to get hurt again. Let see what happens tomrw. ^_^