I blew up!

I couldn't take it anymore. So then i exploded. I didn't talk to him for the past two days. I ignored him finally. Telling him won't help unless he feels it himself. Thats y im doing this to him. I need him to know how I feel so he won't do that again. He called plenty of times and I can feel that he's worried. He's finally caring at least for this moment. I told myself I will ignore him for two days but it is kind of hard especially when he kept on leaving me voice mails. In Dance class it was so hard to avoid him. But knowing that he still doesn't know whats wrong, angers me so much. But yea.. he's getting there and he will eventually find the answer. I will talk to him about it tomrw and hopefully things would turn out ok. He kept on saying sorry and he wants to talk about it and figure things out. But I'm still unsure if hes the one for me becuz he was all worried yesterday but today he didn't call at all. So maybe he has already given up on me. Only one day of ignoring him and he lose patience? How does he think of this feeling that I'm going through for months. N only 1 or 2 days for him. If he does lose interest then fine. I guess he won't be the right one for me. I want him to show effort that he cares and saying things over the internet or phone calls are unrealistic. Sometimes things have to be said verbally face to face. It's really meaningless if I can't c how his reactions are or how he express himself. That way I can learn to face situations that bothers him or makes him discomfort. N that way he can learn how serious things are and he should stop playing around. I'm not that mad anymore actually. A gurl can forgive very easily but won't forget. I need him to cherish me and care for me. THATS all I want. Hmm..... I wonder what's flowing in his mind now?

MARYAM!!!!!!

Today I feel so happy for Maryam. She has earned what she really deserved and I'm proud of her. She would always say "all these years of hard work will juz vanish when I enter college". But she was wrong and shes got a "FULL RIDE" scholarship for any college she wants to go to. Horray!!! The look on her face today was hilarious. She was in shocked for the rest of physics class. Hahahz... that time in statistics class, I can picture her future. A successful future. I saw her as a doctor helping her patients dressed so professionally and kind-hearted. It's AWESOME! I was never that happy for any one before. Its like something she never would of exspected. I know her bf and her family would be very proud of her. Now she has no worries for college tuition anymore. ^-^

I tried to help Misen get in the dance crew. She's been avoiding it since sophomore year and it's time for her to face it. The president is horrible. All she does is care for her self. A very bossy and self-centered person. How can she juz say "oh we already have enough people to dance we don't need her anymore" That is such an ass hole man. Misen been helping this stupid club for all 4 years, giving effort and helping the club which is being treated badly about. DUMB! I draged her to face it , to finally complain to ms. wong. It's time to stop avoiding the problem and fight it like WAR. Like how I use to cope with this club last year. I fought and fought , using all my effort to help create the dance and gathering all the dancers together. It paid up though. I won the battle. So it's time for another battle. I will help her and push her to go through this and earn what she deserves. I hope I can help her because she is being mistreated. No matter what I got her back. No worries... If it doesn't work out I would quit it then. If it's that hard to work with this person now even before we start making the routine, then it would be even harder to work with her afterwards. I would rather take this year off and actually have fun during ethnic fest instead of rushing myself to perform for peoples to see. Maybe this time I would finally get to have fun joining those activities with Maryam. She got mad at me during freshmen year because I didn't go to the clubs she wanted to go to. That i promised her I would go with her next year, but I always go perform and leave her. Now I feel bad for doing that. >.<

It's gone...will it ever come back?

The warmness is gone. Coldness has taken over already. I feel no warmth. I feel no care. Those warm hugs he use to give me has left me. The feelings are gone. I still don't see any effort. I still don't see any care. There's still no connection. I feel that I'm the least important to him. Like I'm the last to worry about on his check list. Maybe its time to leave it. If I tried, if I waited and nothing changes it's time to let it go. The thoughts of tears is flowing threw my mind again. Like how it use to be. I've been holding it for a long time. After that wednesday, I promised myself that i would never cry for those things again, that I would juz play along and cope with it. But yea I did try my best to not let it out. N I broke that promise. My first bf is describe as tears, tears, tears, unwanted, not respected, and not worth it. Thats how I feel. All he brings me is sadness. Maybe it was wrong to start. Those feelings I don't want to experience again. It's crap and I don't like it. He doesn't even make some time for me.. .. I guess it won't work out then. It been like this for months. I feel sleepy... I should a nice long rest without any worries.

well determined........

I've been suffering from hair lost ever since winter vacation. At first I really thought it was because I straightened my hair too much and weakened my hair nutrients.. but until Erika said I am probably under stress I finally knew why. I was't even stressing through school problems but the other things.. my personal life. Some times it bugs me so much that i can't even sleep. I can't stop thinking of him... of why is he so unclear, why does he do that, why is he so careless. I am very tired of guessing and doubting him.... and so I've decided to talk to him seriously. I need to make it clear to myself of what are his intentions and where is this relationship going. The only way I can free myself is to ask him verbally. To make it realistic. I want to know if he is serious and if he is planning to continue this relationship after he leaves to college. I really need to know before I step any deeper. If he makes it clear to me I can finally open up to him and be close to him. But yes I am afraid to tell him because I don't want him to look at me in a different way or to leave me. But this talk will determine it all and I can finally know the answer. So to all wishes I hope it will turn out well and that he would also open up to me and tell me how he feels. Hopefully I won't chicken out...lolz.. I call myslelf a weakling!

O yea! Today is my first month anniversary with him 1/22/07. I actually got kind of mad at him because he forgot about it. Well he claims that he didn't forget, but he obviously he didn't show me that he cared or knew about it. But I'm okay with it now. The sad thing is that our fisrt month is marked on final exam day, which really suks and also he has his posse thing every monday so I didn't have time to be with him. It was suppose to be a memorable day but it turned out to be a every day routine thing. Well too bad... Hopefully we can do something to make up for it. ^-^

jealousy.....

I'm so easy to get pissed off or to get jealous of other pplz all the time. Like today when I c ien always hugging him out of no where, I get jealous. She's too open around him and I don't like it. Shes like too touchy with him and they're too close. I mean its not a bad thing that he hangsout with other friends but what i'm asking for is to give me some respect and keep a certain distance with his other gurl pals... Once ien made a profile on aim saying that she will really miss him and that she doesn't noe what to do without him, I got jealous. I got so pissed off man...How would he like it if I hug and be flirty with other guys? Thats how I FEEL. N then he always talks about his other gurl pals around me.. its kinda irritating to hear those stuff. I don't want to hear it. Then I said stupid things to him today.. what the hell am I doing? I'm juz being whinny rite now and its so freakin annoying. I'm jealous becuz I care. These things bother me so much I can't even concentrate on my hws anymore..... help me plz... free my mind somehow!

We really didn't get to hangout much this week becuz finals are comming up and we got to study. I miss the times when we hold hands... I want to feel welcomed and wanted , not lonesomeness. As time passes by our first month being together is on monday. It past by so fast and I dun really think the first two weeks count becuz we really didn't c each other or hangout. Isn't it suppose to be special to be together for a month already? But I doubt he remembers anyways.. he looks careless to me. And maybe he did forget and maybe he doesn't care. By the way finals are on monday which means that we don't get to hangout with each other. Maybe monday wasn't suppose to special after all. I'm sure were not going to do anything that day either. I have to be patient! Lets c what happens on monday....

What I want...... Ü

Hmmmm... what is there to talk about today? I really didn't have much time to publish the current events happening to me these days. I was too busy.. -.- But today I'm pretty happy. I got accepted to UIC, DePaul, and North Park. I accomplished something at least. I'm thinking of UIC but I'm also waiting for other colleges to reply to me.

Now guy stuff... I really didn't hear from him telling pplz I'm his gf. Like the other day Kristian asked us if we were, but he juz played around with the question instead of answering it. I mean am I not good enough to be his gf? Is it shameful to him??? Gosh... i'm tired of it and I dunno y I'm always so quiet around him too. We walked the other day and all we did was walk and talk. I didn't say much so quiet and stuff. I hate when I do that. Also, he is beginning to kiss me on the cheek. ^-^ I was shocked the first time he did that and it was weird. I was like did he juz kiss me? I noe I felt something.. hahahz. I was confused whether or not if he did do that. The second time he kissed me on the cheek was yesterday when we walked together for like an hour and a half. This time I was sure he did it. He has to show me that I'm different than the other friends he hangs out with. I mean we hold hands and stuff but is there anything else he did to me to make me feel special?? I dun really ask for him to be with me 24/7 but to spend time with each other once in a while, to receive sudden phone calls form him , or for him to surprise me sometimes. I really want to understand him better. Like what kind of person he is and what he likes to do. But hes not really expressing himself to me. Hes not opening up to me yet and if he doesn't then I can't do the same because I dun wanna scare him away or something. I want him to care for me and to cherish me not like Oh I c her today so whatzup? He doesn't plan to do anything or go anywhere. He needs to show me some effort. I guess I'm not as important to him. I joined choir to c him a little bit more everyday. But my throat hurts if the notes are too low and deep. It kind of pushes the core down and it stresses the muscles in there. I can sing high notes which is good, hehe. I find it boring... I dun really feel a difference when we were friends and now as gf and bf. I got the name but I dun really c him admit that to anyone or maybe he did once but speaking it in his language. I hate when he does that! Its like hes abandoning me from the subject not letting me noe what the hell he is saying and he does that a lot too. You noe what, when ever pplz come ask me if we are together then I'm juz going to say "go ask him, he can answer that". Its like he doesn't want pplz to noe. Well then fine. Every time when he talks to me about the things between us... its always on aim. Its not really realistic enough though. I mean there is a gap there. Speaking to a person on aim and speaking to them in person is a HUGE difference. I can't c how he reacts to me or hear his voice or the expression he makes. Theres no connection seriously. N now we really dun have much to talk about. I'm tired of coming up with subjects all the time on the phone. It's like hes bored and I am too. I kept on switching from topic to topic but he doesn't really respond to them. I'm tired... Then when we walked I'm so quiet. I exspect a lot, which is bad. I really have to stop that cuz i noe hes not going to do those things. >.< !!! I feel crappy.