IM PISSED OFF!!!

a normal girl wouldn't like some girl living with ur own bf... THATS FOR SURE!!! I dunno what to feel... in a way IM FUKING PISSED off because im sure he is the one that brought this upon his self... he prolly asked her and be nice and INVITE her over to his house to live... On the other hand, as a friend what the fuk can I SAY!? The only problem is that there is going to be comparison... if she lives there and I live there... the parents are going to compare... and what can I say? really..what can I say? I know he tried to care about my feelings.. thats why he asked me if I can also live there.. so it won't just be her but with me also. If he really cared.. he would of asked me first.. but he tells me after he gently invites her over. Thanks alot! he can do whatever he wants I dun care.... I just don't like the fact that his parents are going to meet her and then compare me and her over time.. Why does he always bring these problems... just why? What can I do? go live with him so she would feel more comfortable to live there and he won't feel so bad? So selffish..He knows what I will feel if he does that... and yet he still does it. In his heart... im not number one... he always have to mix in the friendship.. and never think about how I feel abt it. It just hurts to know that he will hurt me if he decides to do this.. but I guess it wasn't that important to him.. when he was trying to be friendly. Im sure he could of made up so many excuses to avoid it. but no he decide not to .... what does he want me to feel? Pissed? Happy? Sad? Im just human... Im not an out of space alien. If I had done the same thing and brought a guy over to live... I'm pretty sure he won't be that happy about it... go ahead and just hurt me over and over again. theres only a limit I can take of how nice he can be to others... but this... just stepped over the boarderline. I don't care if I am self fish about this... but in reality, Im not going to hide behind those fake smiles. Im not happy about it and that is the sad truth. Im just a normal girl. There are limits.. and he is just pushing it too far... and if he thinks this doesn't hurt me then that is totally wrong. Im very very disappointed...

Runaway Kids...

I lied to my family. I came back from the trip and spent 4 days with my baby. It was a very nice 4 days. We were with each other 24/7 and it was a great experience. i didn't need to care about anything but have fun with him. We went to many places with jenny and jay too. I love the experience at the beach! It was romantic when we get to see the sunset and the beautiful glittery water and sand. We made a sand lady with a big ass... gosh and you know who made the butt so big.. such a perv! We also took pics kissing under the sunset. It was so pretty!! Also we walked down the shore and lay there during the night. To the right we could see the sun and the glittery lake..to the left we could see the whole Chicago night view it was so awesome! It was so fun although for some reason I lost my shoes and I had to get new ones. They were climbing the poles and does strip pole dances that was hilarious! It was fun that we made our own korean bbq at home. It was a very fun night. We sat there eating like fatasses and played cards.. It finally felt like summer vacation! woohoo! The other days we also went sushi buffeting at Sushi Para II least we didnt need to wait this time. I want my ice cream!!! Then we also went to korean BBQ the other day along with kareoke for the first time! It was a crappy place cuz there wasn't many songs we could sing with but the very last song made us look so pimping when we walked out the room lmao. Party like a rock... party like a rock star!! It was fun.. I'll miss those days where we could sleep as late as we want and wake up as late as we want and eat and do what ever we like... nice memories..

Minnesota Trip!

My second week long trip with BCQ. We went to Minnesota Lake Itasca for a whole week. It took us like the whole day to drive there. But I have to say it was surprisingly pretty there! The cabins were beautiful! But the weather there was really cold. The first day I went there, we went canoeing at the lake. It was so fun! It was the first time I ever rowed a boat on my own. Although it was in the rain and it was dangerous and wobbly, it was still fun for my first experience. Unfortunately, I got sick being exposed to the rain for a while. So I was sick for the rest of the trip. There were no reception there and so I couldn't really contact my baby. I tried all sorts of ways to contact him. Luckily, the reception worked on my friends phone for this tiny moment in the room. So that was the only phone call I had of him. The second day, we went for a hunting game out in the forest. We had a competition of who will catch the most mice. That was the first time I held and learnt how to hold a wild mouse on my hand. It was awesome. Happily, I won the competiton during the 3rd night catching a jumping mouse!! I named it Zapeous which means a jumping mouse. His legs were long and he leaps! Its a very fast one! but it was the cutest thing ever. Too bad I had to give it back to its nature mommy or else I would of kept it. I also won 20 dollars from the competition. It wasn't much but it gave me a lot of pride. Another group caught red volt mouse it was so cute too. Also Dr. Brown caught a raccoon. wow the first time i ever saw one in person! There was also a pingpong table there and so I played it for a while with my friend gene. It was fun though. The next day we went on a 10 mile hiking trip. I was surprised I could make it even with me being sick I could still hike that much. The only problem was that I got my very first tick there! Thereafter, I got many, many more. I lost count how many ticks got on me. Then we all had psychological ticks. Its like we can feel it crawling on us even if its just us imagining it lmao. Then we went to a very high tower and lost count of how many steps it took to get up there. Boy that was tiring. But the view up there was unbelievable... I could see the whole lake itasca there. It was beautiful. The bed I slept on was in a nice cozy room with a little camp fire rite next to me. It was a lovely place to sleep at. Then next we went to a fossil hunting place. I was disappointed because they didn't give us any utensils to find the kool stuff. All I found we only shells, while my other friends found shark tooths. lmao such bad luck for me. It was a beautiful day for a camp fire. So finally we set up our first and only camp fire that night. Gus wouldn't stop making explosions to start the fire. It was an awesome scene. He is such a crazy dude. The sky was clear and I could see the whole galaxy of stars above my head. It was wonderful. I can finally meet my old friend stars again. I really miss them. The last time I saw them were my very first saukville trip. I actually get to see the big dipper. I finally know how it looks like. It was such a great night that everyone stayed up at least to 3am singing and talking, playing fun games around the bond fire with each other. Dr. Brown told us a lot of ghost stories and his interesting one of a kind animal traveling stories at Africa, and his other trips around the world. Too bad I was still sick, I could of done a lot more than I did if I wasn't. I went canoeing for the second time in a more peaceful and sunny day. It was so nice out that day the sun was setting and the water was still. Just rowwing the boat and paddle getting lost in the lake was awesome. I took so many pics there. I really enjoyed the water fights I had. It was fun knowing how dangerous it was when the boat was so wobbly when there are only me and gene paddling it. The boat can only fit 3 maximum pplz in there. It is cut low and it was easy to tip over the water. Hhahaz it was fun.. I was all wet after I got back on shore. But man it was tiring after I paddled for almost 2 hours, but it was worth it. The last day I was there, it was pouring outside. So we didn't do much except trapping mice and playing cards and talking and chilling with my friends. Until night time came, we all decided we didn't even start our flippy cup games so wanted to get drunk the last day we were there. Katty was so crazy and drunk she demanded the guys to strip hahaz. There were a lot of hairy butts there. ewwwwwwww also I closed my eyes but dam man it was horrific!! Of course I didn't need to strip cuz im so good at that game lmao. Shippra was so drunk. She got mad at the whole team cuz we kept on winning and complained over and over again that I am drinking water and it was unfair to them. I got so pissed off...I said FINE YOU WANT ME TO DRINK I WILL DRINK!! So I poured the water in front of her and opened a can of beer and sipped it in her face! MUhahahahz I win! Omg it was such a scene. All my friend's jaw dropped, eyes popped wide opened, and then I heard clapping noise lmao. They were all so happy and so proud its like I just set the mood for a big BANG that night. Everyone got high and happy. Then we took so many pictures hahahaz. Its more like they made a big scene out of it. After that I played flippy cup with beer. Boy it tasted nasty! They finished all the beer and there boom! I got my first buzz. hahahz ... But I got to watch out next time. My first buzz experience was such a funny one. Gene suddenly played the guitar for me and showed me how to play the notes. Then he got closer and closer .... and he kissed me on the cheek all of a sudden and said I like you. I was like WTF! ANd so I made up an excuse to walk Shippra back to the cabin cuz she was so drunk. Boy that was dangerous... never again shall I drink. Especially when jundi is not there. For some reason I really wanted to drink that night... I felt sad in a way that I just want to forget about everything. And the beer did work.. The next day we had to clean the house and leave home. My head was still weird and drowsy. I was trying to sleep in the car but I couldn't. When I left the place, I felt like I didn't do as much as I wanted... I actually felt kinda of down during the trip. Like I was missing something. Then I noticed, I was missing my boyfriend.. I wish he came with me, but I knew he wouldn't have enjoyed it out there. He doesn't like camping . >.<

happy 8th Month..

In a blink of an eye... We held our hands from the cold lonely fall to a lovely warm spring..and now we are heading to a new start. Summer! I can't believe its summer already and yet I still don't know much about this boy. I feel as if we talk lesser and lesser. As if we have no interest of whats happening in each others lives. He doesn't know what I am doing everyday.. what time I get out of school or who I talk to or hangout with. I don't know what he does everyday..who he meets, who he hangs out with, or even who he chats with. I wonder why I'm feeling that way. Kisses feel more cold, hugs feel like nothing, calls don't even matter anymore. We even feel lazy to get out the door to see each other. But don't we miss each other?? I really don't know anymore. He was mad at me because I didn't order his straightening iron. The truth is I already ordered it. But I just don't want him to know. I want to see how he reacts if I don't get what he wants. Well, I got my answer. Its just a habit to call me everyday because I make him do that. Its not like he misses me or anything. Its more like he is obligated to do so. Every time I pick up, we only say hello, whatzup... what else is there to say? He don't really like talking about his-self or his past. And he doesn't seem interested of what I did or what I saw during the day. He rather watch his games or do something on the internet instead of paying attention to what im saying. He doesn't like to talk about his interest or his passion and what he wants to do. All my friends asked me so many questions of how was my trip what I did there who I met what I saw... they all want to know. And yet my bf only says did you have fun? He didn't bother to ask anymore..He wasn't even interested to know. I have so much to say..and yet my listener dun even wanna know. Why is that? Any plans for the summer? Any plans or ideas of where to hangout or what to do with me? I know I will be busy during the summer. I need to work because I have to pay off my tuition and I have to go to summer school and lab and homework time. But I will make all the time he wants if he wants to see me or hangout with me. Why does it seem like I have to beg him to get out the door to come see me now? Why was he so anxious to see me and spend time with me in the past? What happened? Things just became boring. Every time we see each other its just sex... that's all we do.. What happened to those times where we sleep next to each other talking about our problems or our secrets? What else do we do besides hanging out with jenny and jay cuz they are full of ideas to go somewhere and do something. What happened to all the fun things we used to do, used to say, and used to like? Where did it all go? Is this what happens when your with someone for awhile? Lose interest? We are no longer trying. why is that? Maybe hes more happy without me? Not like he will read my blog anymore or that he will care to read all the words I written down. Probably he skimmed through this or gave up reading it by now because it is long and boring. By now you should feel irritated of why I am acting this way. Or is it just your period? Why do you always make problems? that's what you will probably say.

See what happens? this is exactly how you may feel rite now. Don't you feel some of what i'm feeling? and why I would spend time to write all this down? why I am so unhappy? But not like we will try and spice it up a bit. It's okay. That is why I would not say any more.....

Words...not understood

Sadly..my words, thoughts, and feelings was not heard.

I never knew....

I have a best female friend... I known her for about 2 years now. We hangout with each other, we eat out all the time, we understand each other. I joke with her, hit her, and care for her. When we go shopping, my foot steps would naturally follow her. When we eat I would naturally sit right next to her. We walk in a room I would follow her. She asks me to do things for her and I always end up doing it for her. Unknowingly, when I play with my phone, I would take pics of her or video record her....unknowingly, I would care for her and give her a lot of attention...unknowingly when I eat out, I would call her up to eat because I know she was hungry. As time passes by, she doesn't even need to ask anymore. When she hands me her stuff I would naturally hold it, remind her to do things, and walking next to her, walking her home night, and caring for her. Unknowingly, when I walk out her door, I would ask her if she needs me to throw away her garbage or washing her dishes or fixing her machinery. Its because I care. When I have some problems I would call her and talk about it. She makes me laugh and knows how to cheer me up. She understands me a lot because we are so alike. It's not my fault, I can't help it because I'm so used to it by now. She knows a lot about me..my family, my friends, and most of my past. I hangout with her so much most of my friends would think we are going out. What can I say... things I do..things I care about for this friend became so NATURAL.... Then I got myself a girlfriend... I never knew how she felt when all the pics and video records i took had my friend in there. I never knew how she felt when I choose to follow my friend's footsteps when we are walking around the store and left her alone. When we walk in a room, I never knew how she felt when I chose to sit next to my friend and left her in the corner. Or walk next to my friend and leave her behind..How did she feel when we talked about my other friends in front of her? my past? things that my friend knows but my gf doesn't? Does she feel left out? How does she feel when we always talk about how others thought me and my friend were going out? How did she feel when I call up my friend to eat with when i was alone with her? How does she feel when I hold my friends stuff and not hers? How does she feel when I always remind my friend to do things? How does she feel when I give so much attention to my friend in front of her? How does she feel when I choose to walk my friend home and leave her alone? How does she feel when her friends constantly come up to her and ask " wheres your best friend and "her" bf"? How does she feel when I care so much about my friend? Honestly if someone saw me and my gf together alone vs. me and my friend alone....which one looks more like my gf?? Do I provide the same care to both? Does it look like I care more about my friend than my gf? Like I said its not my fault... these things come so Naturally I can't help it because I'm so used to it by now... but .....I never knew these little things would hurt her so much..and I never knew she liked me so much that she would think about these little actions and cry herself to sleep at night......Then I ask myself... do I naturally do those things for my gf without her complaining or asking?

Wait a second... relax and think it over. Instead of caring how she feels.... how would I feel? If she had a best guy friend doing the same things as I did in front of me... how would I feel?

If one day when I'm playing basketball and my friends constantly come up to me and ask me "where's your best friend and his gf? O the little Asian one that always hangs around him. I would say: What gf? Embarrassingly I would say... that's my gf... How would I feel? ......

Crying feels so good.... I haven't cried for a while.....

He wanted to give me "the most special valentine ever"

In a normal girl's eyes... she would think that a special valentine day with her bf would be to go spend time with each and go to a great and romantic dinner... then surprise her with something special like a necklace or a ring... telling her to wear it all the time to remind her of her bf...

He said he was thinking of bringing me to sear's tower and eat chocolates there. Or buy a small cupcake and blow out a candle to celebrate our beautiful valentines day with each other. He said this he said that... Showing me some care that he actually planned something to do with me because he wants to make me feel like I am worth his time to plan something special to make me happy. Honestly... I am very happy with just spending time with him alone. But I'm sad because he didn't plan anything to do with me. I would of been so happy if he just brought me to the movies and eat something with him..Because I know he made the effort to plan and follow through to show me that he cares. I don't look for anything big or expensive.. I just look at the care and effort.

On Valentines day we met up at downtown and walk around the stores to shop. It was cold and we spent like 2 hours doing that .... it was boring. He kept on telling me that hes not a romantic guy and told me not to expect anything special from him. He constantly repeated that and that got me so aggravated... When we met up... he unzipped his jacket and pulled out a big heart lolz... it was cute and big and although they weren't my favorite chocolates... they all tasted so sweet and delicious to me...Then after we walked and walked... we went to millennium park and ate our chocolates in the cold. I felt really warm at that moment. It was very cute.. and I was very happy... then afterwards... we finally decided to go somewhere warm. We went to the movies and watched "Pink Panthers". It was just a horrible movie.. but at least we did something together. We were also gabbing on the chocolates in the movie theater. Then afterwards we went to Chipotle and ate mexican food... Wow it sounds like a long boring day in many people's eyes... Of course it's not the best or most special Valentines day either. But when I looked through my recordings, I found a video he took during Valentine's day. Looking at that video just told me one thing..... I smiled, I was playful, and I was very happy. In the end... it was my most unforgettable Valentine's day ever. ^-^