So it ended... will it come back?

I finally told him.. and we broke up. After all that pain, I finally let go, but that is only in the surface but not inside. Although we broke up, My heart can't stop thinking of him and the only thoughts that can cheer me up is the happy moments we scared from the past. I still like him. I still care for him...but its not enough that we both still feel the same way. It takes much more then that to work out things. He just doesn't seem like he has the motivation to go on with me. I guess it is good to seperate for a period of time. Maybe things will get better and we can talk to each a little more each day. Maybe there is still hope between us. But I'm not sure. I know he is eyeing on me sometimes and I do that, too. I've been trying to act and pretend to be happy infront of people, but I'm kinda tried of pretending. I know I'm sad and hurt inside but I don't want him to see that and I don't want my friends to worry about me. Maybe after awhile things may get better. I want to be close to him and feel comfortable around him like before, but there is always this awkward moment between us. We keep a curtain distance away from each other and barely talk. At least we are starting to talk a little. But yes, he is stubborn and so am I. Maybe one day we will have the courage to make things better and be ready for this. I heard he was sad about it. But when I told him that we can bgo back to being friends he was okay with it. I guess he never really cared and he did expect it anyway. He stood there and didn't do anything. its just like playing chess. If you don't make a move then how is this game going to continue! when the other player is making all the move and trying to keep this game going standing there is not going to do any good! I really tried... I did... but my effort is not enough. It takes two to tangle. Not one but two. I cried so much this senior year. He just doesn't know how much pain and sadness he brought me. He doesn't know how much I liked him and how much I really wanted to be with him. He hurted feelings deeply and influenced my life. I was never like this throughout my life. I never cried so much for one reason and let pain and doubts surpass my heart. But I will not allow it anymore. I want to be happy and cheerful like I use to be. This was so sudden too... It was like one day he was holding me so closely and the next day we were apart. It's so fragile and weak.... I need to develop a strong bond and be happy with this person. Yesterday was supposely our third month together but.....no comment.

what's going on?

I'm confused.... What does he want? He ignores me now and so I did the same. I don't understand why he is mad at me for. I don't feel that I did anything wrong. Instead he is getting me sad again. Its been like this for about one week and a half and I'm tired of it. Were always so queit, not a word we would speak to each other about. I think the only time we talked was like on thursday when we were playing tennis. I know he is ignoring me but for some reason I still think he cares. I can feel that he was peeking on me while I was playing tennis. He stayed at the tennis court for a long time. It almost felt like he wanted to stay with me until I had to leave. He was sitting on the bench while I was rallying around with alfredo and alex. I can see his eyes peeking at me glancing very quickly. I think he is just avoiding it. -.- We did talk about it, but I was so pissed at him. All he responded me was "I dunno" and "yes". I asked him do u still like me? do u still want to be with me? he replied "yes" but his actions are really not proving what he was saying. He didn't seem like he cared at all. His reaction when he said it was so stupid. It was almost like he was playing around with me all along. Toying with my feelings like nothign really mattered to him. At that moment I felt stupid for e-mailing him, trying to talk to him in order to fix the problem. I felt dumb because I tried so hard and he still didn't show me effort. I really wanted to fix the preoblem and stay with him but it seems like he has no intentions in doing that. The look on his face made me so mad. He didn't show any emotions like he didn't even listen to what I was saying. The whole "talk" was meaningless. Seriously, we still couldn't corroporate and give an exact answer because he doesn't want to fix it or have the motivation to continue this relationship. He was like "I dunno, I dunno". I was so angry and I was depressed for a week. Even on the fieldtrip he was avoiding me and sitting far away from me as if I was invisible. That fieldtrip day was horrible. I had a very bad stomache and it hurt so badly I could no longer walk. But of course he didn't care at all, while all my other friends were asking me if I was okay. He totally isolated me from the whole asian group, keeping them away from me. He didn't even treat me as a friend. I didn't really realize his terrible manners until ms. Maclean told me about it. Even she said it was disrespectful. Ms. Maclean talked with me to discussesd the problem between us. We talked about how to fix it or forget about it. She was trying to help me get back my self-esteem he totally shattered. She told me if I am always depressed about it, nothing will change, instead I will be hurting my self more and more deeply. Because of Philosophy club, I finally realized that nothing can get me sad or depressed if I allow it to get to me. I can control my feelings even though sometimes it is uncontrollable. I won't get sad about it anymore and from that day on, my mind opened up and my thoughts were clear. I am a HAPPY and JOYFUL person again. ^-^ I will not allow it to bother me. I would always say "I am a fantastic person" and I will keep the beautiful mood in me. So then on I tried to always keep a pretty smile on face and not let anything bring me down. It did work and maryam even said I look much happier. A good sign and a new start. I mean I do still like him very much but I will not let him make me sad again. If he doesn't care why should I? Thinking in the bright side, I can feel that he is doing this for a reason like there is something conflicting him. Maybe he has to get through with something in order to be free or be with me. Maybe thats why he doesn't have time. When I started thinking at that point of view, I realized something. He told me before that he need to fix a problem and he was confilicting his time with CSC so thats why he needed to quit. Well I'm not sure about this but I can feel it. Or maybe he feels that he doesn't want to start anything with me because he knows he is leaving for college. But the thing is, I can't solve why did he start with me in the first place if he is not willing to be committed. Maybe one day he will tell me why but for now I'm still going to ignore him. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk to me. O yea... Lexi made me tell her about the thing going on between me and him and so she bugged me to death and I finally told her the whole story. I'm telling some of my friends this because I need to check with ppplz if I was thinking at the wrong point of view or to check if I was going crazy or something. This is too new to me and I've never been through this before, so I don't know how to react to this situation. She told me that she asked him about and he told her that he thinks I'm too good for him. I was like wth???? How can he think that way and beside he never tells me anything. He's making it seem like he needs to hide everything from me and have a mysterious background. Well for now I'll just be patient until he is READY for a realtionship and has the courage to tell me things. If the feeling withers away that means he's not the right one for me. So when time comes I will eventually know. But in my mind it only flows the flashbacks of those special memories we had together. It is very hard to let go and to erase those thoughts of him. I'm always waiting for my phone to ring or for him to sign on aim or even see him at the tennis court or club meetings. Hmmm when will the sky shine with the bright sun again? Will I ever see that day come? or will I continue seeing the rain drops falling through my cheeks? O yea today is my chinese birthday!!! I'm officially 18 on the chinese calendar!! ^-^

will we break up?

Couples breaking up are normal and casual now a days. But I'm serious about it. I'm mad at him. There he goes retracing those melancholy steps he took before. I think the first time I talked to him about it, I guess I didn't make it clear enough. It was getting better after valentines. He gave me the attention I needed and I was very happy. He gave me a necklace and a Frango box of chocolate. I never really thought that he would get me something. I was very happy that he was willing to go eat lunch/dinner with me. We took pictures on my cell phone. But he didn't let me until I signed the contract. He kept on lowering his head to avoid the camera. I gave my very first kiss on the cheek to him. So he finally let me take pictures of him. Lolz I'm sure that was what he was looking forward to after he surprised me with that necklace. I can feel that he was leaning more towards me leaving his cheeks closer to me. Hahaz I can see that he was stretching he face to me so that I can kiss him. He put the necklace on me and from then on I never took it off. Not until this once when I was performing for hip hop, Amethyest made me take it off cuz it wasn't part the costume. I was sad though I was like can I keep it on PLzzzzz but eventually she said no.. I begged and begged but I was forced to take it off. *sigh*. But I was happy we actually spent some quality time with each other. I was very happy that night. My brother brought me and my sister to this theater far away and it was such a cool place. It is a theater where u can eat and watch a movie. It was fun and the place was beautiful and ancient looking. Okay, back to the sad part. Today he ignored me and I ignored him too. We both don't want to speak to each other and that's not going to solve anything. I want to talk to him tomorrow and try to fix or end this but I'll wait until next Friday. He didn't come to my birthday party. I was so sad throughout the whole party. I tried to look like i was happy, but knowing that he is not there makes me sad. Later I asked him why, he said something about his father getting mad at him and that he needed to fix his wall or something. I'm mad because he didn't cared to make this up to me like going somewhere and celebrate it alone or to do something together. He just didn't care. AS of our relationship today, I expect more from him than just saying happy birthday. If its that hard to take some minutes of his life to actually call me or hangout with me or even chat with me on aim, then how is this going to work out? I'm always here waiting for him. I'll always make time for him, but does he do the same? .... NO. I like him so much but he isn't returning the same respect I have for him. I told him that I'm very tired and that I dunno how to deal with him anymore. I give up.... but in a way I dun want to let go. I'm so stubborn I hate it. I know he is tried of always dealing with my temper. I get mad at myself because I am mad at him. Complicated really. I really wish he can think in my perspective and care for my feelings before he does something. I'm slowly condemned in sorrow. He just doesn't get it does he? As a girl, I really need attention. I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to feel lonely. Am I really asking for too much??? I just want to spend time with him. That's all I want. Looking back at the times I had with him, I realized that we didn't really do anything. All we did was maybe go to the movies once and go out and eat sometimes, but what else did we do. (alone?) I know he is a very busy person but is it really that hard to sacrifice some time for me? is it? If he can't give me some simple attention I dunno what else to say. Because if this continues I'm going to become a sad and depressed person I don't want to be. I'm trying to relax myself... I really want to. I'm very tired and I don't know really how to deal with him anymore. The things I think are special to me isn't special to him. Like the time he said he liked me, the day we went to watch a movie together, the official day we were together. Those are all important to me and I remember them clearly, but as for him he doesn't remember those things. I'm starting to ask myself if we were actually together as gf and bf. Were we really? I don't feel a difference. It's not like we talk more or hangout more or anything. Were just both in our own worlds doing what ever. If he can't verbally express the feelings can't he do something to make me realize he still likes me or still wants to be with me?
Sometimes he makes me feel that I'm not worthy enough for him to so something for me. Is it shameful to have me as his gf? It sure feels that way. No one really knows that were going out because he doesn't admit it and he doesn't tell anyone. Well that makes me feel bad because that means that I'm not worthy to be one. =/