ice skating.......

Ice skating was fun! I love ice skating! Hahaz I fell down like several times because I couldn't keep balance of myself and that pplz are always in my way and plus pplz step on my heels lolz. There was this guy who stook his leg out and I triped over him hahaz. He also fell down several times and it was funny. He wouldn't bend his knees lolz. He said he looks funny if he does that, but that is the best way to keep his body balanced. Well, well, but either way he is still faster than I am juzzzz because he has longer legs...no fair >.
I feel that I learned something today. To have patience. If I have patience with him maybe things will work out. I chose to take a step back and not be so forward. I decided that I already made my first move from expressing my feelings ito him in that card I wrote and that I made him a present. Its time for him to express his feelings to me. I decided to act cold to him so that he would respond to me. I don't want to make it seem like I'm forcing him to be with me. If he does not have the intention of talking to me, then I will not talk to him unless he starts talking to me first. If he doesn't have the care and interest to talk to me or care for me, then I will ignore him until he makes his move. That way he will learn to do the "correct" move on me instead of him still being so clueless. Plus, if he doesn't want to talk to me on aim then I will not chat with him until he aims me first. That way I will know that he wants to talk to me instead of me forcing him to chat with me. Like yesterday, I was really happy he said " lets talk" we haven't really talked for awhile. THose words made me feel that he now cares or at least cares for me at that moment. The less I talk to him, the more he wants to talk to me. I'm not going to call him. If he doesn't have the interest to call me from time to time, that means he doesn't want to talk to me. Then fine I'll will not bother talking to him, because he makes me feel that he is not willing to talk to me and instead I am forcing him to talk. Today we didn't really talk much... and he is still so busy..guess he doesn't have time for me. But of course I know he cares. He could of took the blue line to millenium instead of meeting me at mather and take the bus and train together to get there. I know he did that to see me and be with me. I know that he didn't go straight home because he wants to stay with me. I really do know sometimes when he does those things for me. But for now I don't think were official. Even though he says we are but not until he officially asks me..personally. And plus I don't see him telling others that I am his gf yet...so yea...

what is he thinking?.......

What is up with this person? He doesn't seem to care about me at all. He doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me. No calls..... he called me yesterday and we talked for about less than 30 seconds. He never bothered to call me anymore. When ever we chat on aim.... we never exceed 5 minutes of talking. How is this going to work if I always have to force him to talk to me or something. This relationship is not going to work if I like him more than he likes me. If he doesn't care I can't force him to care come on..... I always read his blog... not because I'm nosy but I just want to understand him better, to know more about him. I really don't know what is he thinking right now. If this keeps up and he is still so insensible than HOW is this going to work. I can't always be the one to talk to him first come on... I feel so cheap for writing such a card to him and make such a special presents for him. I spent all my time and heart in it to make it for him. Then again I ask myself is he worth it? He doesn't care... so why should I care.. thats what makes me so angry. He is not showing me how he feels, not expressing it, not talking to me. HE is testing me play tricks with me or something... When ever I have to talk to him first it makes me feel like I'm annoying him. He barely responds to my aim. I tried talking to him text him, aim him... but he is not responding me. I know he is new to this well I AM TOO. He can always ask others for advice or something. Like I do, so I can understand the situation and fix it or avoid something guys don't like to hear or don't like to face. ARGHHHH i'm going crazy...seriously I'm not sure how long I can take it anymore. Maybe this doesn't bother him at all that were always so speechless. Maybe I'm the only one that taking it so seriously and bothering myself about it. I have to stop! I really have to before I'm going to explode.......

my first date......

Today December 22, 2006 is my official day with him. Today was my first date to watch a movie with him... or at least I thought it was a date.. " Night at the museum" it was a pretty good movie, funny... but i expected it to be very funny. but yea.... i had a great time.. leaning on his shoulders beside him and holding hands with him the whole time. ^-^ I was very happy, and I gave him a christmas present... although I did a crappy job at it, I hope he likes it... at least I tried my best. He also gave me a present. It was a pink necklace. It looks nice and i do appreciate it because at least he used his time and money to get me something. My first present from him.... I wrote him card along with his present..hmmm.. I hope I don't sound stupid in there because I don't know what words he want to hear from me. We first walked and walked to get his glasses and then we went to Panera.. cause I was very hungry.. my stomach started aching -.- . Then we walked to Borders and ran into Misen. I got kinda mad at him cause he kept on bragging others to jump along and watch the movie with us.... I felt like he didn't want to watch it with me.. I was like omg he is so slow... can't he see that I only want to watch it with him??? Then I refused to talk to him until we went to the movies. Misen was saying that too. She kept on asking why is he trying to get other pplz to go she thought it was ONLY me and him. I felt unwanted.. it was like I was forcing him to go with me.. =/ Well I felt bad... cause he kept on paying for everything for me... movie tickets, food..etc. Thats bad I'm making him spend too much on me. >.< I feel crappy now... It feels like he doesn't give a care about me and that I'm making the move... It feels like I'm forcing this relationship..feels like we switched our places around. I'm expressing my feelings to him while he doesn't respond to me. So now i feel stupid for writting such a greeting card to him...more like a love note. ARGhhhhh..... I feel miserable. Its feels like he doesn't like me as much... we don't even talk much... and I was too forward..I was making all the move like "lets make this our first date " or something. Isn't a guy suppose to ask you out??? He looks careless about me. And I'm scared.. its more like I'm obsessed about him and he doesn't give a dam. I asked him online if we were official and he said yes. But my bro told me that the guy was suppose to do that in person. TO make it more direct and romantic I guess... I was the one who intiated the whole thing.. he never actually asked me.

the law of acceptance........

On friday i finally accepted that he is going away in 8 months. I don't want to be always so depressed and gloomy around him. I try to be happy and act as if nothing happened. Philosophy club really helped me. It took me two days to recover... but this is the shortest ever actually.. if i was my old self i would of took like 2 weeks to recover. My friends told me i should tell him how i feel. Its now or never. I want to cherish all the time i have left with him. Our time is limited and I guess he noticed that too. I don't care how much time we have left as long as hes still here with me. I noe it will be painful when all of a sudden i open my eyes and he is gone.... people always say long distance relationships never work.. but i'll make it work!! if we have the patience to wait for each other, I think it will work out. I'm willing to wait....no matter how long ..my heart will stay. On friday... he finally held my hands again. I was so happy...it made my day. I was surprised that he did that in public and most of my friends saw us and asked us if we were going out. Hmm then i ask myself are we?? Well I'm not sure if were official yet but i can feel him getting closer to me now ^-^ But of course i'm still waiting for his words. Sometimes i juz can't open my mouth.. its so hard.. gosh.. i can't even say a simple "i'll miss u very much" statement...i feel like a coward.. *sigh* maybe i will open up to him one day.. perhaps maybe the day before we go on to our winter break... well i'll try at least but I always chicken out anyways -.- tsk tsk...

Yay! im almost done with his present juz two more feet.....which will take me another 6 hours of work but im glad im almost done and i hope he will like it. Hmm I guess i have send a whole 2 months working on this present so long... -.- my parents were against me making it but still i made it without them knowing hehe...

On saturday i had a CSC competition and yeah....we lost.... juz becuz we kept on pressing the buzzer too early but yea... i accepted in less than 2 minutes which was very odd. I feel that the worst had already happened to me so what else can affect me more. He created a barrier in me like nothing matters anymore and that barrier helps protect me away from the sadness. I don't want to be depressed anymore i want more smiles and laughter.... like how i used to be..

heartache.....

"To be or not to be that is the question" Should I forget about this or should I keep it? Maybe I could of avoid this. If only I didn't go to philosphy club, or maybe I should of went home and do my science project. I knew it was comming, and I thought that i could easily accept this but no.... i can't. Maybe if i was not so emotional or so serious about him it might not hurt me this much.....maybe if he hadn't told me that he liked me I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe if.....if...i didn't like him. I can't change anything now.. but only to accept what has happened. He told me he got his posse scholarship. I thought I would be happy ....but I just kept quiet, the only thing I said was congrats, congrats, congrats.... i feel stupid. I tried to not look like i was sad or anything.. i tried to look happy. I want to feel happy for him. It was very important to him and he wanted that scholarship so badly.After I gave him a hug, as if thats the last hug i will give him, I walked away with a wet face... I hate it when pplz look at me in a weird way. While I was passing through the hall way pplz stared at me... and the only thing i could do was to look down. Through the hall and through the bus stop and while i was walking home... i was thinking... what should I do? I couldn't stop crying.......what a weakling..He looked very happy and he always had a smile on his face.... but I guess he never thought about .. what's next. I guess im too sensitive, and emotional. Maybe I was the only one that was thinking ahead or taking it too seriously.. He doesn't seem to be serious about me though. All I want to do is sit in a dark room and cry.. but crying doesn't really help.. well thats the first. For now I don't wanna think about it...or tell anyone about it. I'll try to look happy but it's gonna be challenging. Maybe long distance relationship might work. THats what i say to myself all the time .. but y think that way when its reality. I knew he was gonna get this scholarship so y be sad? What am i gonna do... how am i gonna face him? should I give up and go on or should I keep it?..........should I keep stepping deeper... should I still give him that present I made him? Words, words, words, does it really help to type all of this.. well at least it makes me feel better... a placebo that will let out sorrow.....sigh.. BAD NEWS... my mom received a phone call and her friends's son told her that i was crying on my way home. I was like OMG Another stupid thing i have to worry about. Now my parents won't stop bugging me . But of course im not gonna spit it out to him..gosh..... now im mad.

what does sweetluv520j mean?

I always wish to experience romance and i always believed that there is sweet love. 520 means "i love you" in manderian and J represents him. Of course things dun turn out great and i easily get pissed off about him.... but i always try hard to not show that it bothers me when im around my friends or if im close to him. I dun want pplz to worry about me. BUT he pisses me off a lot! He is so insenstitve......its like he doesn't noe how i feel at all..can't he be more caring or at least show some affection? He tends to leave me hanging all the time. At first i thought i could deal with it but it was juz getting worse....like..i can feel myself growing to be more gloomy... -.- but y let this bother me? theres too much to worry about as a senior and i already have a lot to do. I noe he's busy and i am too.. i noe that we dun have the time to hang out or talk as much..theres nothing i can do about it....well i tried to be an understanding person..i tired.. -.- i was really mad today at the concert. like really mad... i started crying a lot when i get home. It was really hard to stop it from coming out when my dad drove me home. n i juz kept quiet... i have a friend that understands me a lot cuz he has a lot of experience about "relationships" n i complain alot to him lately... i feel that im getting annoying its like im repeating the same stuff over and over again.. i feel sowie for the ones i always bug. >.<>

tears...

i've been crying lately not hard but juz light tears.... at first i dunno y i was crying for no reason. but then eventually i realized that everytime i think of him theres always a smile on my face.. but the longer i think of him the easier my vision gets blurry and from there drops of tears rolling down my cheeks. I really hate myslef sometimes for being so weak and i tried to stop myself from crying but its hard.. its like i can feel it coming and its hard to hold it and then my tears bursts out. its like i think of him all of a sudden and think of how sweet or close we were and then thinking of him go away really hurts me. i realized that im afraid to loose him because i noe he will one day leave me to a far away place. all those sudden tear drops made me realized that im afraid to loose him
thats y im afraid to start anything with him im afraid that it will juz go all away.I may not show it but deep inside of me i really do care and i get really sad about this.... i really hate myself.... im so emotional i hate that! y cant i be more cheerful? n not think that far... but i can't . n like everytime i think of that my tears cuz come out n i always tell myself that stop being so weak and crap........*sigh* life suks....

First bf ^-^

IT WAS WEIRD...12/2/06... i always wanted a bf n now it came true...we started chatting online(aim) and then i start talking about my sister's luv live... and then he asked me out all of a sudden.. well in a weird way though like its not direct like "would u go out with me" kinda thing, but it so shocking cuz i didn't expect that to happen so it was kinda ackward hahhaz. Hes like asking me if we were and then i ask him if we were official.. it was funny...but lovely. When he asked me i was like i dunno what to say... and then i asked him and he took awhile to answer back too, my heart was actually kinda pounding fast when i was waiting for his reply .. i guess thats common.. at least i think it is. I noe he doubts about it and so do i. like we i dunno what i want n i dunno what he is thinking...But i guess were official now... and i won't be scared to hold his hand anymore =) i guess it was a good thing to get this sraight and now i feel relaxed.. happy me ^-^ i think we are official now n i can consider him as my first bf. BUT the thing is that i dunno what im doing and so does he.... well i dun wanna think about it furthermore n i dun wanna consider that we are together until he askes me in person, that way its more direct.... and romantic lolz.... All i noe is i feel cheerful inside and thats all i want. I actually wanted this to happen hehe. My feelings rite now are messy.. i feel happy but in the same time i feel doubtful and weird...i can't really find a way to expain it .. i guess its an unexplainable feeling inside of me.