I am done reading the 2nd chapter of my love life....

Hmm where should I start? Its been a week since I broke up with him. Maybe its fate that we aren't destined for each other. It all started after I told him I wasn't ready to run a pace that he is comfortable with. I have always stopped him when he tries to walk over the borderline, but he wouldn't stop...I remember that time when he tried to force himself on me and gave me a bruise on my lip. The truth is I was really really hurt and disappointed. I couldn't believe he can't just wait for me until I was ready and instead disrespect me. Does he want sex that bad? Is it that important to him? I hate the pressure and I hate the complains. I just can't run, I have to walk. I tried jogging along but thats the furthest I can go. I have a borderline too and I hate it when he always tries to pass through that margin. He gave me a really mean look but when he realized that I was giving him a cold and sharp glare he tried to cheer me up. I was sad very sad that he would do that. I started to cry a bit and he did too. He asked if I wanted to smack him or torture him. But I just don't know why I didn't. Instead, I just hugged him and told him to give me time. I can't believe I let it slide!! I always let things slide even when I know what he did was wrong. I just kept giving him chances over and over again. But all he did was taking them for granted and stepping all over me. His actions just went on worse and worse. He said if I love him I would let myself go. I said I don't love him yet, but the truth is that I don't even know what love means. I changed so much for this guy and yet I don't feel that he changed for me. I don't feel that he's even trying anymore. I don't feel the care. I don't feel the love and effort I felt before anymore. Then his grandmother died. I felt so sorry for him but I just didn't know what to do or say to cheer him up. I really didn't know what to do.... I felt useless so whenever I'm on the phone with him I tried to change the subject because I didn't know what to say. I wanted to see him. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he at least still has me. But he didn't even give me that chance. He always just go home right after school and I just never really get to hangout with him anymore. I got really pissed off that he wouldn't wait until I get out of chemistry that day. I worried about him so I just wanted to see him and sooth his pain. But he didn't. He just went home.. and I felt really useless. I was mad so I didn't pick up his phone calls. After he tried calling me a few times, he sent me a text message saying that if this keeps up there would be no point in continuing.. that he gives up. I got so pissed off and text back saying I quit. Ever since then we didn't see or speak to each other for a week. It was finals week so I just occupied myself with studying and doing other things to make myself happy and forget all that have happened. Break ups always hit me a week after. I don't get sad until then because I still held onto some hope. But after a week I realized that there is no hope left. Just like holding onto a puddle of water on my hand that will one day slip through my palms.
Right now we finally talked a little bit. I guess we are friends again but it still feels a bit weird around him. Maybe it's better off being friends. No pressure and no conflicts. Maybe we should go back to where we started. But although I know he has done a lot of things I didn't want to do, I don't regret at all being with him.
I noticed something...while i was reading this blog once again... for some reason I started to cry... It feels good to cry Like I haven't cry so hard in a looong time. I knew it... in the inside it still hurts...

I just realized im SAD.....

Lets go all the way back the theater day... From the bottom of my heart, I really felt like thats the day I felt that I really started to fall for this guy. The way we spoke and the way we kissed really touched me. That was the only day I felt that his kisses made my whole body weak. I really thought I liked him that day. We walked to the park and we spent time sitting by the river bank just talking about random stuff really made me happy. It really felt like we Were a couple. I felt comfortable and owned by him at that moment. I still remember we could see some stars and the bright moon shining upon us as if they were there to watch us and to guide us through a romantic date.
That week I invited him to go camping with me. I was really happy he could come. Its like our first vacation with each other and also a nice chance for us to get to know each other a little more. He was very caring those days and was very nice to me. Then at night things went wrong. I just can't believe how I turned out to be a slut. I just throw my body to him and let him do whatever he wants even if I don't like it..I just...just want to make him happy. I just wanted to adapt to what he is comfortable with and what he likes to be called a couple. But now I just realized I lost myself. I really did. I created another personality in order to fit in. I just wanted to be something else that I thought could make a better relationship. The me before couldn't work out a relationship. I couldn't keep a guy and I couldn't keep his interest in me. So now I really thought those changes of being more open physically and mentally would help me. But then I finally realized that it isn't right. The more I try to be pretend or act in a different way just makes me even more sad. The more I don't want to treat him not that seriously and hiding my heart from him really hurts!! I can't do it anymore. I have a feeling I would blow up any time soon and that would really freak him out. I don't want to aggravate him, on the other hand, I really don't want to keep myself in denial. Every time I make out with him it makes me think back so much. I am scared to sleep next to him because I know he will touch me. I always think back at what I did and then finally regret or hate myself about it without letting him know. I don't want to annoy him with my problems and I don't want to make him unhappy. I don't want to get hurt thats why I want to lock up my heart. I'm too afraid to give it to him. The more I think about this the more problems I have. I want to be myself. I don't want to act and I want him to know how I feel. I keep everything inside of me and then at the end who suffers? me.. I don't know what I am doing anymore. Omg.. someone please help me!
I don't feel that care in him.. the type of care I thought a bf can give. I thought a bf was to suppose to be someone I could count on, help me, and care for me in a special way that no one has. Every time when I need someone.. hes not really there to sooth out my pain. He makes me feel that its all good she can do it alone she is smart enough. I am just a small fragile girl that is looking for guidance!! I feel so lonely. Its not simply because of homework. When he is there to help me and give me advice, it makes me feel that no worries there is someone to back me up and take care of me. When ever he needs help I will help him. He is my priority. But when it comes to helping me. He doesn't seem that motivated in doing so. He rather play games then help me. I need him to show me care in the inside. All the care I see and feel that he gives me is the care he would do for jenny. Maybe even sometimes he would care more about her than me. There is a bit jealousy there... which is horrible to think about. Like yesterday, supposely it was our first month together. But yea I waited for the bus for 45 mins in the cold!! My whole body was shaking for the longest time and I thought I was running a fever. Then I passed out on the train because I was so tired and frozen. He didn't really seem to care much about that. On the other hand, I remember when I was on the bus and I saw a lightening. The first thing that popped in my head was o no jundi doesn't have an umbrella with him! and so I got worried so I called him if he was already home. When did he become so important to me? speechless.... It just seems like he is only giving me care in the outside but I don't feel special. Then again yesterday I just wanted to spend time with him alone and then he said well we should stay downtown so we can pick up jenny.. okay... if you like I should just go home you know. What about me? Can't you show a little more care? a little more of what you give to a friend? Every time when I think there is a problem I always try not to care about it. I am in denial!!! I don't want to care because I know it will hurt and I don't want it to hurt me. I want to hide my emotions away and pretend it never happened..
I thought we had a long talk about we are going too fast and I am not comfortable about it. I really thought he would tone it down. If he really likes me he wouldn't force me to do things I am not comfortable with. I was so sleepy yesterday and I was almost knocked out. There he goes and helps himself on me. Maybe he can't control his hormones? Who knows? But I just gave in like that again yesterday. I thought he would get it. He even said he felt guilty and he is sorry. Obviously, he just throw that whole thing away as if it never existed. When I back away, he tries even harder to get me. His actions shows that he didn't feel sorry or guilty. Those words were meaningless....If he was sorry then show me he is! I feel so weak against him!!! Its just not me. If its the real me, I wouldn't let him touch me in certain parts and simply and aggressively say no! but then I didn't. This personality is not working out. The more I want to act like I can adapt to him, the more I just can't do it anymore. I can't catch up to his pace. He is way TOOO advanced for me. If I told my friends what happened to me in the past month about what my bf did to me they would freak out! Its like a clean sheet of paper that has been splattered with ink. What have he done? If other people were in my situation, they would freak out too. The thing is... it doesn't bother him because he is used to it. He thinks its okay to do so because we are going out. I am not like those girls he dated before! SO please stop it! The matter of fact, I was totally freaked out what he did to me when we first kissed. It freaked me out for the whole week. I don't know what was going on and I don't know his intentions. I don't know what he wants. All I know is I am totally confused on what I want and what I don't want. I am lost and I need so help!!
I just need to be myself... I want to let loose and open up to give my heart to him. I truly want to be with this person not because I just want a guy in my life. And if in the end if I get hurt. I will pick myself up again and learn. Sure it will be a pain but at least I will go on the pace I want to walk and like someone the way I like them.. I hope he understands but prolly he will just get mad. But if I don't face it and tell him, things would never work out. I have so many mixed emotions now.. I afraid I will scare him.
Finally... I feel so much better letting it all out....

My third kissing session...

I remembered the time changes from the window from the sun shinning so brightly until the romantic moon appeared. I don't know how many hours I spend with him but it was so long. I think it was at least 5-6 hours alone with him. Lmao omg I was so tired and he was too. I kissed him everywhere!! i never could of imagined that I would touch him in those places and kiss him on the neck and his nipple!! I was so surprised when I thought about it. But I lost control... I let him touch the places that I shouldn't have and things went even further. He was practically naked except his shorts. And he wanted to touch my boob. Lmao this makes him sound so perverted hahaz. But of course I didn't let him. It was too much and I don't like anyone to touch there especially when that is the most unsatisfied part of my body. I enjoyed this experience and I learned a lot of how to pleasure him. Hahaz I was so surprised I heard him moan again. Sounds so perverted lolz. He totally enjoyed it too! I let myself go and I went kind of wild but no regrets. I like that pleasure and I love his kissed and his forcefulness. He drives me nuts... and I will drive him even crazy over me!! hahaaz I sound so evil.. Well the second day... I went to work with my weak legs. I was so tired omg.. I don't know why though. At the end I had a problem getting wet and he had a problem getting a boner lolz... its actually a good thing. If things went on that pace we would of done some crazier things. It felt so romantic when we were kissing under the moonlight. It was like we were exposed to the sky and all the stars were watching us do naughty things from high above. He gives me all these romantic experience and care and tender. I think I am really starting to fall for him and I hope we can be together for a long time. He is my first... everything...

My 2nd boyfriend...

He called me at 2am in the morning asking me questions like.. duyen, do you have problems with me?... are you unhappy about me? and etc. I froze, and I didn't know what to say because I was shocked. I was like kind of, trying to back away from the question. But then he kept asking it over and over again and so I told him. He was like I know you are confused about what we are and if we were official official official. Lolz. Yes I was very confused. It was like he was seeing right through me. He even said I know you are waiting for that one question from him and such. Maybe he does understand me. I think the sweetest thing he said was the day I kissed you was when I thought you were my girlfriend. awww that was really sweet. He even said the date of when it happened. September 26, 2008 and of course I remember that day too. It was special to me. And then he became special to me. Now we are official and he became my second boyfriend. It was like a dream hahaz. I think I am liking him more and more. He is a sweet guy, and cute, too. Lolz. I really hope we can learn from each other, holding hands walking down a long path together. Maybe he can draw a rainbow on my white sheet of paper. I can't stop thinking about him. We constantly been talking over the phone for hours and it was fun and lovely. From the bottom of my heart I feel relaxed that things are cleared up. Now I feel safe to express my feelings and tell him how I feel. I feel very comfortable with him, as if I known him for a very long time. I am now a happy person and I hope he can make me smile everyday with joy. I unlocked the key to capture you in my heart. I like you Tookie ^-^

My second kiss experience...

HELP ME!!! I really don't know what i am doing.. I just made out with him again for the longest time. This time was more extreme, but at least i tried to control it. I stopped him several times. The way this is progressing is not good at all. I don't want an uncleared relationship like this. It started off wrong and its bugging me like crazy. It got to the rubbing part...and that was not good. It progressed too FAST. >_x I don't even know why I am doing this to a person that isn't even my boyfriend yet. I also know that it is a slim chance he would ask me out anyways. Doesn't seem like he likes me that much. It was mostly physical attractions. That was our bond. But I really don't want that. I want someone to accept who I am and I want someone that would like me and care about me without any of those crazy things. Kissing is fine but all of the rest isn't. All the touching and stuff makes me feel like I'm a slut. That I shouldn't be doing these things. It doesn't seem like were are in the same world. It's more like he is playing around with me. I won't let this hurt me. I have to protect myself from getting hurt. If he doesn't make a move then I guess I will pretend it never happened. I don't want a boyfriend just because he feels obligated to date me just because he made out with me. He is too open and experienced for me. That is what bugs me. I know he is controlling himself but he is also being selfish because he is letting himself loose and doing that things he feel like doing without considering my feelings. He doesn't know how I feel. He may seem like he is understanding but he is impatient and loosing control is what he is good at. He did all those with out my permission thinking that it was okay to let himself so those things. To be honest I really enjoyed it but I know it is not a good thing. I liked his forceful kissed and touches. He gave me the fantasies from the mangas I read. It was a good and crazy experience. The kisses he taught me the touches he showed me are always running in my head. In another way I really wished that he was more caring. More caring about his life. He doesn't really care about his grades and I am helping him by pushing me to do his homework. I really wish I can change him in a positive way. On the other hand, I don't think I am strong enough to do that. He really did get me turned on, but he is too open for me. I don't know if I can ever be the same pace as he is. He seems flustered that he has to slow down for me. But anyways we aren't dating yet. He never truly said he liked me and asked me out so why are we doing these things? I really want to ask him straight out are we dating. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like he wants to. I don't know. But as I said before I am only starting out laid back relationships. I don't want to be serious unless I feel that I really like or love this guy. Obviously he seems to be enjoying himself so I don't know if he is the serious type. I guess I'll just leave it some time and see what happens. I don't want to think about it that much or else I will go crazy.

A thief who stole my first kiss....

I remember the day when it happened. 9/26/08 I was at my friend's house to play video games and so it happened. I was biting his ears and we were fighting happily and then it appeared... it was dark and all i can see was a slight glimpse of his dark round eyes. All of a sudden i felt something touching my lips and then all of a sudden I felt something smooth and slippery touching my tongue! After a couple of seconds, I finally knew he stole my first kiss. I told him you just stole something of mine. Then he said are u going to call the cops on me? hahaz. I was biting his lips and he was biting onto mines. I love that feeling lmao. He told me his was bleeding oopzzz. Then I guess the kisses continued for a LONG time. But I was scared because he only kisses my lips he kissed everywhere on my body!! From lips to the neck and from the neck to my stomach. Omg... I was shocked cuz he was going to fast. Then we rolled around the bed.. crazily.. I asked him to teach me how to kiss appropriately and so he showed me slowly. He said he liked me on top. so i was! i could feel his gentle hands slowly approaching my legs and to my butt. He was feeling on me everywhere! Then I can feel his legs opening my legs further and further apart.. and the crazy thing is he as touching my sweet spot! I got even more shocked! His gentle fingers slowly groping onto my body and his kisses on my neck. It felt nice and I felt like I was dreaming. He told me he was in heaven ahahz. Towards the end, i kissed him pretty well hahaz. I could feel and hear his moan when i kissed him softly and I know he liked it lolz. He told me I surprised him. But I was afraid the way we progressed. It started too quick and it jumped from first base to third base. At a thought I thought he was going to give me oral sex when he kissed my body further and further downwards! I was scared because I thought he was going more extreme. At the beginning I was too shocked and surprised to enjoy it...but I enjoyed a lot towards the end. I told him the truth about how I felt that later night. He told me he was happy I could openly tell him my feelings. He said he was sorry and that he was caught up in the moment and couldn't control himself. I was glad too... for some reason this guy gave me the feeling that I could openly tell him the truth and tell him all my feelings straight out. Am I that comfortable with him? I can joke around with him and I could tell him everything. I guess I'm starting to like him more and more. And to tell the truth, I can't stop thinking about what happened. It was like a wild dream. A dream that I had never dreamt before. This was the first time my body was scared with a man's scent. But for some reason I feel guilty and dirty. It was like I just sinned. If we didn't even started going out yet and things are moving this fast already, I am afraid things may go even further the longer we are together. I guess he is the first guy I can feel so comfortable with to talk to and to share my inner feelings. Are you really the special one who can mark a rainbow on my white pure sheet of paper? Or are you the one that will contaminate my pureness?

I'm still thinking....

For some reason I still dunno if I should like him or not. Usually when I like someone I'm sure of it and I will continue to like that person for a long time. Moreover, it's like a long crush cause thats how I express myself. But, I just don't know if I should or should not like this guy. We seem different. I'm just scared he doesn't fit my conservativeness and my type of relationships. I mean, he did date a lot of other girls. I'm quite sure they were more open than I am. I'm still just a newbie, so I think he is too experienced for me. Well, I do notice that I think of him more lately and that I do laugh all the time when I think about it. He kinda of brings me happiness and laughter and I do feel comfortable around him. I just don't think I will have enough time for these things. I am so poor at time management, I need to work on it. I have lots of homework and lab reports to turn in. My exams are piling up on me. I'm sure I can make time for him but I just don't know if he will fit me. And so ... I'm confused. Once again.. We went to the movies the other day and it was fun. I think the funniest part was that I freaked him out when he came out of the bathroom. Lmao, it was so funny I couldn't stop laughing. My stomach hurt so much cause of laughter. I think he is the first one I can be so comfortable with to joke around and hit each other. I make fun of him a lot. I'm like mean to him in a jokey way and thats kind of new. I never really been like that. I feel more happy and funny. And also shy. But its all good. I don't want to expect anything or think of anything.

Hmm some weird feeling...is it a crush?

Well. There is this guy who is my friend since freshmen year and its getting kinda warm lolz. I think I'm starting to like him a little. But, I'm scared to be too attached to him. Always a border line to protect myself. I'm always like that. But, I do feel really comfortable with him. What I love to do is bite his ear or just be mean to him. Hahaz. I remember that time when I slept over at jenny's place we slept in a room together. We were watching Rush hour 1 and then it was getting late so we decided to sleep. But, all of a sudden, we decided to play fight hahaz it was fun. Then we were like rolling around the whole room tackling each other. He was super close to me though. I think that was the first time a guy was ever that close to me and my neck!! I still can feel his breath on my neck lmao. But yea. It was a friendly fight and it was really fun. I guess he misses that feeling too. After that I wanted to bite his ears again but everytime I attempt, I kinda chicken out. >_x My best friend Maryam told me that omg that is horrible to sleep next to a guy and do those things. I guess I was too open.. Shouldn't do that. She got mad at me for a second because I'm so innocent she was afraid I might get hurt or in danger. She was just worried. But anyways I'm still thinking about it because I'm not sure if I should like him. He is very different from me and his open level is different too. He is more ghetto, and he is lazy, but the good thing is that he is very nice and he is starting to not dress like a black dude. Hahahaz. He's also very funny. He doesn't look Chinese but he is one lmao. Were going to watch a movie tomrw. I don't know if I shouldn't consider it special or a date of some sort but I hope we can both have fun tomrw. I don't really want to take relationships that seriously at first. I don't want to get hurt again. Let see what happens tomrw. ^_^

My first day of work! 1, 2, 3

Omg! I finally got my very first job in my life! I am currently working for Photogenic Inc. I worked for three days now. On the first day I worked at the Ferris Wheel. I did cashier/sales/line flow/photographer duties. The second day I also worked at the same station. I was super excited to work that day and it was fun and awesome. The bad part is that I have to stand all day and that was quite tiring. But yea I got used to it by now. It was pretty fun to get the hang of it especially for the photography part. That is my Favorite!! At first when I was working at the cashier I felt so shy and newbie, but then when I was on camera I felt like joking a bit more and talking a little to the costumers. Then, I started to get the hang of it. I felt more free to talk to them and much more comfortable, too! For the cashier part, I totally mastered it by now. My supervisor said I did a great job! On the second day I was late so I called in notify them that I was going to be 5-10 minutes late. Gosh.. I hate the Grand bus! It sucks so MUCH!... I did the line flow that day too. At first I hated it cause I think it wasn;t much fun at all. During the night time, it got so crowded that I had to handle a bunch of people at once. I couldn't handle it that well so my supervisor took my place for a couple of seconds. Then after I experienced the social learning theory, I stepped in and took my position again. She said I did a great job because I have good sense of catching up in new things. She was happy and I was too!! She said I was good at everything!! YAY ^_^... At the cashier my other supervisor told me I'm doing great because I interact with the costumers and the other employee said that she loves my confidence. I felt very happy because I was useful. So then I enjoyed working there even if it is such a hassle sometimes. The third day was quite boring until the end. The environment is much more dreadful and it is not lively there at all. I hated working there because the costumers there were so mean. A lot of them had an attitude.... and wouldn't take their pictures. The camera broke down and messed everything up. Then we lost about 300 costumers during that period of time. The supervisor there was not that great and also one of them kept on bitching... I was like omg if you don't like this job then quite it already! But Matt was awesome. He is very nice to me. Also Jeff and Timicka. They are all so great. O yea Josh is kool too! and very funny to be with. I just didn't like how the printing was so slow and that we had to print every single picture out even if it looked really bad. Such a waste of paper... and we cannot recycle them either due to the chemicals on them. It was hard to sell them out because it cost so much. Te packaging was so disordered. It was hard to put them all back together. I actually had much more fun just standing at the stairs directing the costumers to the exit just to make them pass by our photo booth. I liked that a lot more for some reason. I got so tired of doing the line flow. I interacted with the costumers and begged them to take pictures but there were just too many. I felt like I just wanted to get out of there. I ran out of energy to talk to each and every person. I got especially tired of the costumers that wouldn't cooperate especially those who just go right ahead and trespass the line in the front. I was like you can't pass by here and then Josh got so pissed off and told them that the line blocker is there for a reason. I will never want to work at U505 again! I liked Matt and Josh but everything else I had to do there was not that fun. Also it was super far away too. It was just frustrating...

I GOT MY FIRST JOB!!

Yay!! I got my first job! I'm extremely happy because I really wanted a job that deals with photography. I love taking pictures and now I get paid for the hobbies I do! I was really excited for the interview and was scared I wouldn't do good. Well.. during the interview, I think I did okay btu I was nervous and I wasn't funny enough to catch a lot of attention. They said they would call us within 2 days if we are hired. I was dying to hear my phone ring. I used the secret Ms. Maclean taught me. I've been saying to myself that I want this job and I will get it. I was sad they didn't call me the first day, and so I lost some hope. The second day I was dying to get phone calls. After taking a nap for some hours. I really thought it was too late because I woke up like at 5 and I think the firm closes at like 6... but, I received a voice mail from any unknown number. And yes!! It was them. So I hurried to call them back. They told me I was hired!! I was extremely happy and I was jumping up and down. This is my first job ever so I'm totally looking forward to this. Hopefully things will turn out great ! I have orientation on next Wednesday.

Anime convention!

Anime convention was fun... but Missouri, I was very tired to go to the convention. At first it was quite boring because all we did was walk around getting to know the place. Then we enjoyed it more once random people came up to us to take our photo. Linh was dressed as Lavi from the D. Gray Man series. Her friend was Kanda. Me and Aikie didn't dress up nor did France. I was too lazy to find or make a costume because it was so expensive. Linh practically spent like a hundred something for her outfit. Which is outrageously expensive lolz. There were so many random peoples coming up to me to take my photo which was really weird because I wasn't dressed as anything. But I guess I did kinda look like anime character since I was dressed up nicely and my hair did look super Asian ahahz. Just because of the orange blond color I have on my head. It wasry fun taking photos of others. They were so many peoples that dressed up for this event. It was fun recognizing the anime characters I knew, and guessing which character it was. Some of them did a great job too! Mostly cloud, Ichigo from Bleach, and death note. They looked just like them. Especially the D. gray Man photo shoot. They all dressed up so nicely. All so playful and all so kind. It was kool watching them. Then we went to the performances. The skits were so funny. I liked it a lot. Too bad I couldn't stay for the Idol part though. They sounded so nice but then we couldn't stay cuz everyone wanted to go eat dinner. The dinner was alright but not as delicious for the price. It was expensive since it was in the hotel. The convention is actually connected to the Hyat hotel which makes everything expensive. We slept in the Holiday Express hotel for the night. It was fun and the room was nice. Me, Linh, Aikie, and France shared the room. We brought instant noodles for the midnight snack and some other asian snacks lolz. It was fun but we didn't even sleep much.. we stayed up until like 4 and woke up like 9:00 because we had to get up early in order to get free breakfast. Their breakfast service is awesome! It tasted good for a morning buffet! I maybe will go to the convention again next year. O yea I bought a hat that has ears on it! hehe it looks cute! ^-^

Missouri trip!!

Missouri was a blast!!!! I had so much fun and I gain so much experience. I went to Steelville, Missouri in the Ozarks. I went camping, caving, herping, and hiking. It was so fun. It lasted about one week and we had different activities every day. I went with a bunch of BCQ friends. It was nice meeting new people. I remember we went hiking at the elephant state park. That was so kool because there were gigantic rocks we get to climb on and it was just fun climbing up those dangerous hills. The scenery was juz gorgeous... I loved it up there, where I can see almost everything from high above. We also saw a parrot on the way there. Like wow the parrot was so BIG, so blue, and freaking pretty. We took loads of pictures. The time I spent with those people were memorable because they are all so crazy hahaz. I remember this one night where we threw a crazy party. They all danced crazily like..juking. There were crazy music and we played flippy cup. But we had to strip if we lose lolz. One piece per lost. We were suppose to use beer for that game but only I used water hehe. Just watching them get drunk was hilarious. They were so tipsy and funny when they drink. I really like the bond fire too. But it wasn't as beautiful as the Saukville bond fire. This one was smaller and the chairs were crappier, but I just love the bond fire, especially the fresh made smores!!! Delicious hahaz. The stars there weren't as beautiful as Saukvilles either because it rained a lot that week. There were also a thunder storm while I was camping outside inthe tent. I was omg... there was lightening and it was raining so hard, but I took pictures and they looked so awesome. I stayed up every night until like 2 or 3am. I didn't want to sleep until everyone got tired. Then we went herping. We hiked up in the hills and it was pretty high up too. We found an eastern gardner snake, 2 frogs, two toads, 3 red back salamanders , 3 smooth salamanders, 2 centipee, and 4 snails. We also went night hiking.. it was pure darkness out in the woods hahaz very scary but with a bunch of peoples, it was fun getting lost too lolz. I loved the caving experience!! I went to a wild cave and a show cave. The wild cave, I had to wear a hard hat for safety rules. It was small but it was so kool crawling through those small areas. It was so wet in there too. The show cave was a blast! That was the most amazing cave I have ever visited. It was so pretty inside but too bad my camera ran out of batteries.. I regret that so much because I wanted to take so many pictures but I couldn't >_x.. The cave had like old ass rocks! They formed so nicely its crazy. I also found like 10 bats. They were small but they were so friendly and cute hahaz. Too bad I had to leave a day early though because I had to get back in time to go to the anime convention. The day I missed was the trip to the waterfalls!!! Omg.. I really wanted to stay because I love mountains and waterfalls. For sure one day I will go visit those pretty waterfalls again. Over all, this was a great experience. I'm looking forward to go to next year's BCQ trip!! O yea... I became a leader for this class too. It's gonna be extremely fun. This class was the only course I enjoyed... Love BCQ!!

He never learns... Can anyone warm my heart?

Why should I care. I'm getting pissed off again...on little things. I feel as if he never learns. Always running away from me. Is that how all guys react? Is it? I still don't understand. Maybe it was the wrong decision to "try" to chat with him. It's useless. I think we still can't even be friends. There is no turning point, period. I shouldn't let these things bother me. The fact is... I'm still fuking bleeding!!! It won't stop, and I'm seriously aggravated. I really should consider getting a new boyfriend. Maybe that will help. Hopefully. I don't want any rebounder, but the fact is its already been a year, the ones after shouldn't be called rebounder. Gosh.. move on already. I want this summer to be my new start. I should stop caring about those dumb friends. I tried so hard to maintain a friendship, and there I receive nothing but loneliness. Where are they when I need them? I'm always there when they need a shoulder. Friends are useless. Its not like I can't live without them. I shouldn't even try hard. Its not like there is someone to depend on. I'm so tired. I really am. I wish I can just hurry up and get out of school and find a job and meet new people. I want to get out of this world for a period of time and brainwash myself like nothing happened and nothing is worth my effort. Thats all for tonight. I love writing my feelings in here. It's the only way I can feel better. Friends.. who needs them?

Happy belated BIrthday!!

What did I do for my birthday? On Wednesday I went to a sushi buffet with my friends and it tasted good!! I was dead full... and it was fun! When I came home, I checked my email and saw like 40 something unread messages. I really thought that wasn't my email but when I check the inbox, I saw that all the mail came from facebook. I was very happy because all of them gave me a happy birthday greeting. It was very sweet of them to remember..although I'm sure facebook will remind them like a week ahead lolz. On Friday, I went to my friends dorm to eat my birthday cake. They bought a taro fruit cake for me and sang happy birthday in like 3 languages it was hilarious. I was totally happy cause they spent time with me hahaz. Then, on Friday night, I went to the Royal Buffet place with my siblings and his friends to celebrate my birthday. Gosh...I was so full cause I ate sushi, Chinese food, sea food, and tons of ice cream!! We were going to watch a movie but then the movie theater people were so mean, so we left the place without watching anything. Then on Sunday, I will throw a party with my tennis friends and family. I can't wait until tomorrow but I have to clean and cook. >_x I hope all my friends will enjoy it. I haven't seen them for a while so I hope they are all doing well. I can't believe I am now 19 years old... so old >_x and still I don't look 19 at all!!!

I'm not alone...

Today I watched a drama, and there were a lovely couple that has just started to date each other. They went on 3 dates. The girl felt loved at first but then she noticed that the guy didn't really care for what she said. She felt disrespected and felt like she has lost all of her attention from her boyfriend. Then, she had it. She blew up and told her boyfriend lets have a break, and stop seeing each other for a while to rethink if they were really meant to date each other. Once she said she made a blog and told him to read this blog from time to time, but unfortunately he didn't pay attention. After 2 weeks of break and not talking to each other, there was another guy that asked the girl out and the boyfriend got jealous. He finally remembered that she has a blog because he really couldn't understand what went wrong and what he did wrong. After he looked at it he found his way back to catch his girlfriend. There really is certain ways to tell someone something..sometimes it is really hard to say it to the other person verbally. This really reminds me of myself. I made a blog and wished that my ex would read it, but at the end even one year later he has never read it. Well I'm just not lucky enough to end it up happily. I'm very surprised that there are other girls out there that use this method just like me. The whole story line was just like what happened between me and my ex. It is really surprising hahaz. At least now I know I don't think of impossible things that no one else uses.

I'm sorry he said...

Suddenly he IM me and called me saying "I'm sorry". Well it was a bit shocking to me so I didn't know what to say. Maybe a conversation with that only lasted about 30 seconds and two minutes of awkward silence. Although he said he is sorry, to be honest I'm sure he still hasn't learned his lesson. I know he said I don't remember anything, but that just tells me how much he liked me. It's way littler than the feelings I have for him. He is kool with everything because he can let go so easily, still trying so hard to protect himself. I guess I'm way too sensitive and stupid to let this bother me for like what? A WHOLE YEAR!!! That's it...I'm totally over with these feelings. I asked him so many questions so that I can solve those mysteries that was locked away for a year. I feel better in a way, and stupid on the other. He is still so proctective on what he says...still cannot open up. I really don't know why I thought he can try to understand a girl's feelings. The more I push and try the more he restrains and pulls back from me. Its really the time to forget these unwanted memories and move on. Stop thinking of those days where I thought it was so IMPORTANT to me. When he called me and said sorry, I cried...not because I am so happy to shed tears but that those feelings are haunting me again. It doesn't bother him, and it shouldn't bother me. For some reason I feel angry, but also my mind went blank. Snow is colored white because it doesn't remember its own color. The snowflake was me for a whole year. I lost my personality in a sense because those sad memories comes and take my color away..leaving me to suffer not knowing what has gone wrong. But now I know what went wrong. He just wasn't the guy for me. Like words that are passed down from ancestor to their children "if something belongs to you, no matter how long it is apart from you, it will one day come back to you."This is only true if its only made for you. From the start he didn't fit me. Ones who can't openly say and express their feelings are not my type... one who can't spend time or consider my feelings in a sense... its not what I ever want.

He died.....i can never see him again...

I just got the news today. He died last friday due to heart problems. He couldn't breathe because his heart was clotted. I feel sad and I want to cry, but I'm trying hard to stop my tears. I don't want to cry. After I heard the news, I just wanted to so something to clam myself down. Watching chinese drama and reading mangas. This just gave me another outlook of how life can be so fragile and helpless. He was getting better after the surgery. Everything was going well, but suddenly, Satin come down and beheaded his life. Why does such a good person have to die so early? He has no family, no wife, and no children. I feel sorry for him that he has to die so lonely.

My health is gradually getting worse. Right when I thought I didn't need to take those pills again I was really happy, but there it is comming to haunt me again. I guess this sickness will never go away and I can never get rid of it. I sleep late and don't want to go to school. What's wrong with me? I feel fragile, and weak. Helpless and lost in life. I don't know what I want to do and I don't really care what I do. Wake up DUYEN!!!!!