I just realized im SAD.....

Lets go all the way back the theater day... From the bottom of my heart, I really felt like thats the day I felt that I really started to fall for this guy. The way we spoke and the way we kissed really touched me. That was the only day I felt that his kisses made my whole body weak. I really thought I liked him that day. We walked to the park and we spent time sitting by the river bank just talking about random stuff really made me happy. It really felt like we Were a couple. I felt comfortable and owned by him at that moment. I still remember we could see some stars and the bright moon shining upon us as if they were there to watch us and to guide us through a romantic date.
That week I invited him to go camping with me. I was really happy he could come. Its like our first vacation with each other and also a nice chance for us to get to know each other a little more. He was very caring those days and was very nice to me. Then at night things went wrong. I just can't believe how I turned out to be a slut. I just throw my body to him and let him do whatever he wants even if I don't like it..I just...just want to make him happy. I just wanted to adapt to what he is comfortable with and what he likes to be called a couple. But now I just realized I lost myself. I really did. I created another personality in order to fit in. I just wanted to be something else that I thought could make a better relationship. The me before couldn't work out a relationship. I couldn't keep a guy and I couldn't keep his interest in me. So now I really thought those changes of being more open physically and mentally would help me. But then I finally realized that it isn't right. The more I try to be pretend or act in a different way just makes me even more sad. The more I don't want to treat him not that seriously and hiding my heart from him really hurts!! I can't do it anymore. I have a feeling I would blow up any time soon and that would really freak him out. I don't want to aggravate him, on the other hand, I really don't want to keep myself in denial. Every time I make out with him it makes me think back so much. I am scared to sleep next to him because I know he will touch me. I always think back at what I did and then finally regret or hate myself about it without letting him know. I don't want to annoy him with my problems and I don't want to make him unhappy. I don't want to get hurt thats why I want to lock up my heart. I'm too afraid to give it to him. The more I think about this the more problems I have. I want to be myself. I don't want to act and I want him to know how I feel. I keep everything inside of me and then at the end who suffers? me.. I don't know what I am doing anymore. Omg.. someone please help me!
I don't feel that care in him.. the type of care I thought a bf can give. I thought a bf was to suppose to be someone I could count on, help me, and care for me in a special way that no one has. Every time when I need someone.. hes not really there to sooth out my pain. He makes me feel that its all good she can do it alone she is smart enough. I am just a small fragile girl that is looking for guidance!! I feel so lonely. Its not simply because of homework. When he is there to help me and give me advice, it makes me feel that no worries there is someone to back me up and take care of me. When ever he needs help I will help him. He is my priority. But when it comes to helping me. He doesn't seem that motivated in doing so. He rather play games then help me. I need him to show me care in the inside. All the care I see and feel that he gives me is the care he would do for jenny. Maybe even sometimes he would care more about her than me. There is a bit jealousy there... which is horrible to think about. Like yesterday, supposely it was our first month together. But yea I waited for the bus for 45 mins in the cold!! My whole body was shaking for the longest time and I thought I was running a fever. Then I passed out on the train because I was so tired and frozen. He didn't really seem to care much about that. On the other hand, I remember when I was on the bus and I saw a lightening. The first thing that popped in my head was o no jundi doesn't have an umbrella with him! and so I got worried so I called him if he was already home. When did he become so important to me? speechless.... It just seems like he is only giving me care in the outside but I don't feel special. Then again yesterday I just wanted to spend time with him alone and then he said well we should stay downtown so we can pick up jenny.. okay... if you like I should just go home you know. What about me? Can't you show a little more care? a little more of what you give to a friend? Every time when I think there is a problem I always try not to care about it. I am in denial!!! I don't want to care because I know it will hurt and I don't want it to hurt me. I want to hide my emotions away and pretend it never happened..
I thought we had a long talk about we are going too fast and I am not comfortable about it. I really thought he would tone it down. If he really likes me he wouldn't force me to do things I am not comfortable with. I was so sleepy yesterday and I was almost knocked out. There he goes and helps himself on me. Maybe he can't control his hormones? Who knows? But I just gave in like that again yesterday. I thought he would get it. He even said he felt guilty and he is sorry. Obviously, he just throw that whole thing away as if it never existed. When I back away, he tries even harder to get me. His actions shows that he didn't feel sorry or guilty. Those words were meaningless....If he was sorry then show me he is! I feel so weak against him!!! Its just not me. If its the real me, I wouldn't let him touch me in certain parts and simply and aggressively say no! but then I didn't. This personality is not working out. The more I want to act like I can adapt to him, the more I just can't do it anymore. I can't catch up to his pace. He is way TOOO advanced for me. If I told my friends what happened to me in the past month about what my bf did to me they would freak out! Its like a clean sheet of paper that has been splattered with ink. What have he done? If other people were in my situation, they would freak out too. The thing is... it doesn't bother him because he is used to it. He thinks its okay to do so because we are going out. I am not like those girls he dated before! SO please stop it! The matter of fact, I was totally freaked out what he did to me when we first kissed. It freaked me out for the whole week. I don't know what was going on and I don't know his intentions. I don't know what he wants. All I know is I am totally confused on what I want and what I don't want. I am lost and I need so help!!
I just need to be myself... I want to let loose and open up to give my heart to him. I truly want to be with this person not because I just want a guy in my life. And if in the end if I get hurt. I will pick myself up again and learn. Sure it will be a pain but at least I will go on the pace I want to walk and like someone the way I like them.. I hope he understands but prolly he will just get mad. But if I don't face it and tell him, things would never work out. I have so many mixed emotions now.. I afraid I will scare him.
Finally... I feel so much better letting it all out....