Hmm where should I start? Its been a week since I broke up with him. Maybe its fate that we aren't destined for each other. It all started after I told him I wasn't ready to run a pace that he is comfortable with. I have always stopped him when he tries to walk over the borderline, but he wouldn't stop...I remember that time when he tried to force himself on me and gave me a bruise on my lip. The truth is I was really really hurt and disappointed. I couldn't believe he can't just wait for me until I was ready and instead disrespect me. Does he want sex that bad? Is it that important to him? I hate the pressure and I hate the complains. I just can't run, I have to walk. I tried jogging along but thats the furthest I can go. I have a borderline too and I hate it when he always tries to pass through that margin. He gave me a really mean look but when he realized that I was giving him a cold and sharp glare he tried to cheer me up. I was sad very sad that he would do that. I started to cry a bit and he did too. He asked if I wanted to smack him or torture him. But I just don't know why I didn't. Instead, I just hugged him and told him to give me time. I can't believe I let it slide!! I always let things slide even when I know what he did was wrong. I just kept giving him chances over and over again. But all he did was taking them for granted and stepping all over me. His actions just went on worse and worse. He said if I love him I would let myself go. I said I don't love him yet, but the truth is that I don't even know what love means. I changed so much for this guy and yet I don't feel that he changed for me. I don't feel that he's even trying anymore. I don't feel the care. I don't feel the love and effort I felt before anymore. Then his grandmother died. I felt so sorry for him but I just didn't know what to do or say to cheer him up. I really didn't know what to do.... I felt useless so whenever I'm on the phone with him I tried to change the subject because I didn't know what to say. I wanted to see him. I wanted to hug him and tell him that he at least still has me. But he didn't even give me that chance. He always just go home right after school and I just never really get to hangout with him anymore. I got really pissed off that he wouldn't wait until I get out of chemistry that day. I worried about him so I just wanted to see him and sooth his pain. But he didn't. He just went home.. and I felt really useless. I was mad so I didn't pick up his phone calls. After he tried calling me a few times, he sent me a text message saying that if this keeps up there would be no point in continuing.. that he gives up. I got so pissed off and text back saying I quit. Ever since then we didn't see or speak to each other for a week. It was finals week so I just occupied myself with studying and doing other things to make myself happy and forget all that have happened. Break ups always hit me a week after. I don't get sad until then because I still held onto some hope. But after a week I realized that there is no hope left. Just like holding onto a puddle of water on my hand that will one day slip through my palms.
Right now we finally talked a little bit. I guess we are friends again but it still feels a bit weird around him. Maybe it's better off being friends. No pressure and no conflicts. Maybe we should go back to where we started. But although I know he has done a lot of things I didn't want to do, I don't regret at all being with him.
I noticed something...while i was reading this blog once again... for some reason I started to cry... It feels good to cry Like I haven't cry so hard in a looong time. I knew it... in the inside it still hurts...
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