heartache.....

"To be or not to be that is the question" Should I forget about this or should I keep it? Maybe I could of avoid this. If only I didn't go to philosphy club, or maybe I should of went home and do my science project. I knew it was comming, and I thought that i could easily accept this but no.... i can't. Maybe if i was not so emotional or so serious about him it might not hurt me this much.....maybe if he hadn't told me that he liked me I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe if.....if...i didn't like him. I can't change anything now.. but only to accept what has happened. He told me he got his posse scholarship. I thought I would be happy ....but I just kept quiet, the only thing I said was congrats, congrats, congrats.... i feel stupid. I tried to not look like i was sad or anything.. i tried to look happy. I want to feel happy for him. It was very important to him and he wanted that scholarship so badly.After I gave him a hug, as if thats the last hug i will give him, I walked away with a wet face... I hate it when pplz look at me in a weird way. While I was passing through the hall way pplz stared at me... and the only thing i could do was to look down. Through the hall and through the bus stop and while i was walking home... i was thinking... what should I do? I couldn't stop crying.......what a weakling..He looked very happy and he always had a smile on his face.... but I guess he never thought about .. what's next. I guess im too sensitive, and emotional. Maybe I was the only one that was thinking ahead or taking it too seriously.. He doesn't seem to be serious about me though. All I want to do is sit in a dark room and cry.. but crying doesn't really help.. well thats the first. For now I don't wanna think about it...or tell anyone about it. I'll try to look happy but it's gonna be challenging. Maybe long distance relationship might work. THats what i say to myself all the time .. but y think that way when its reality. I knew he was gonna get this scholarship so y be sad? What am i gonna do... how am i gonna face him? should I give up and go on or should I keep it?..........should I keep stepping deeper... should I still give him that present I made him? Words, words, words, does it really help to type all of this.. well at least it makes me feel better... a placebo that will let out sorrow.....sigh.. BAD NEWS... my mom received a phone call and her friends's son told her that i was crying on my way home. I was like OMG Another stupid thing i have to worry about. Now my parents won't stop bugging me . But of course im not gonna spit it out to him..gosh..... now im mad.